Tossed by the waves (aka Double Minded)

A couple of weeks ago I was struggling. Our house is on the market. We are trying to move closer to hubby's work but I don't want to. Actually, I do want to. No, I don't want to... See what I mean. There is far more to the story but to get to the point of today's blog I was really fighting the sale of the house.

It was a gradual thing. When we put the house on the market I threw myself into the project with gusto. I packed up all the extraneous things around the house and moved them to storage. I cleaned walls, windows, floors, cabinets, etc. I manicured the lawn and spread new bark in the flower beds. I even pulled out the dreaded weed eater. I painted the entry way and the hallway (badly needed). I felt good.

Two weeks passed and two people came to see the house. I was devastated. Not that only two people came. I was devastated each time I though of someone else "taking my house". Then came the gradual decline. I started praying, "God, please give us wisdom. Show us if we should keep the house." I heard nothing back. Silence. "Oh God, please. Show us where you want us." Silence. This went on for the next two weeks.

Then came Friday. I was sitting in the living room looking at the wall that really needs a new coat of paint thinking, "I really need to get off my rear and paint that wall" and then I heard it. A little voice in the back of my mind saying, "I don't want to paint it (imagine the snottiest tone you ever heard in a child's voice). Then someone might buy it." Then I was thinking, "I really need to do yard work today. Tomorrow is going to be a good house hunting day. I need to get that done." And then Snotty Voice said, "I don't want to do yard work. If it looks nice someone will buy it." Then I threw a fit. I was so DONE with this. Why should I do yard work and paint for someone else particularly when I didn't even want to sell the house. So I threw myself down on the floor. "Oh God, I am in anguish. Please God, please, give us wisdom. I feel like I am being tossed by the waves." Nothing.

Tossed by the waves. That was exactly how I felt. I knew just where to find that in my bible so I pulled out my bible a flipped it open to James 1:2-8.

"2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Yeah, okay , I want that - mature, complete, not lacking anything.

"5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

Yes, God, yes, give me wisdom."

"6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

OUCH!It hit me right in the heart. Before we put the house on the market we prayed about it. We knew it was what we needed to do. I was being double minded. Because it wasn't want I wanted to do I "forgot" the peace we had about it and started begging for a different will from God. No wonder I was being tossed. I threw myself out of the calm waters and into the roaring ocean of doubt. I was double minded and unstable and "should not think he will receive anything from the Lord." Well, that would explain the silence.

I threw myself back down (yes, the drama) on my knees and asked God to forgive my double mindedness. I prayed for strength to do what I didn't want to do. God is so faithful. I was filled (after a bit more prayer) with so much peace. I got up, happy and glowing, and decided to go take a shower and move on with my day.

Then I heard HIM. Quietly, gently. "The yard work needs to be done today."

Me: "I'm going to go take a shower."
HIM: "You need to do the yard work."
Me: "Yeah, I should go take a shower."
HIM: "You are being rebellious. You need to do the yard work."
Me: "If I do the yard work, someone will buy the house."
Him: Silence.

Sorry God. I put on my work clothes and headed out side and had the most wonderful afternoon enjoying God's creation and being thankful for the time I have had in this house.

Two weeks later, we really don't think the house is going to sell. The market is bad and we're moving to a more expensive area so we can't drop on our price. We'll give it a little more time but for now we're working toward renting the house out and renting something near hubby's work. If the house sells, I'll be sad. If it doesn't I'll have a lot of work to do as a landlord. Whatever God has for us I am (gripping the arms of my chair) ready for. 1 Corinthians 10:31 "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are a Newborn Soul

You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance.On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others.You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative.Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you. Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter.You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything.You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships.Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/">What Kind of Soul Are You?

Three Things

Three Things about me you may not have known . . .

Three jobs I have had in my life:
1. Nanny
2. Stocked stores and arranged displays for Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream
3. Operations Manager for an Executive Suite

Three Places that I have lived:
1. Watsonville, CA
2. Columbus, GA
3. Bay Point, CA (lovingly referred to as Gun Point, CA)

Three TV shows I like to watch: (I didn't follow the rules at all)
1. CSI (the original) & NCIS
2. The Unit
3. Survivor, Amazing Race and American Idol (though the Pussycat Dolls is awfully funny)

Places I've been on holiday/vacation:
1. Puerto Vallarta, MX
2. Maui (pre-children)
3. Napa (pre-children)

Three of my favourite foods:
1. Italian Food
2. Mexican Food
3. Anything Hubby is cooking

Three places where I would rather be right now:
1. On a cruise
2. with my hubby
3. Getting a massage

Olive

I haven't had time to read any blogs lately and so at lunch I started going down the list of my favorites. This was linked to off of one of the blogs. It is incredible. It is a 108 year old woman who with the help of "Mike" has started her own "blob". They have pictures and essentially Mike transcribes their conversations.

http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/

Psalm 71

1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;

let me never be put to shame.
2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;

turn your ear to me and save me.
3 Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go;

give the command to save me,

for you are my rock and my fortress.

4 Deliver me, O my God,

from the hand of the wicked,

from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

5 For you have been my hope,

O Sovereign LORD,

my confidence since my youth.
6 From birth I have relied on you;

you brought me forth from my mother's womb.

I will ever praise you.
7 I have become like a portent to many,

but you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,

declaring your splendor all day long.

9 Do not cast me away when I am old;

do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
10 For my enemies speak against me;

those who wait to kill me conspire together.
11 They say, "God has forsaken him;

pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him."

12 Be not far from me, O God;

come quickly, O my God, to help me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;

may those who want to harm me

be covered with scorn and disgrace.

14 But as for me, I will always have hope;

I will praise you more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,

of your salvation all day long,

though I know not its measure.
16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts,

O Sovereign LORD;

I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,

and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
18 Even when I am old and gray,

do not forsake me, O God,

till I declare your power to the next generation,

your might to all who are to come.

19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,

you who have done great things.

Who, O God, is like you?
20 Though you have made me

see troubles, many and bitter,

you will restore my life again;

from the depths of the earth

you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor

and comfort me once again.

22 I will praise you with the harp

for your faithfulness, O my God;

I will sing praise to you with the lyre,

O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy

when I sing praise to you—

I, whom you have redeemed.
24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts

all day long,

for those who wanted to harm me

have been put to shame and confusion.

Take My Hand

Life is crazy. It is up, it is down, it is so busy. This weekend I was working in the kitchen and I wanted to listen to music. On hand was my little radio with a tape deck so I went in search of a cassette. After a good hard look I came across several childrens books on tape so I kept looking. I finally dug out a tape from 1994, You by The Kry. I saw them in concert back then and fell in love with the music. I popped the tape in and when the song Take My Hand came on I felt like it was God speaking to me through their words.

Take My Hand (listen here)
I know there are times
your dreams turn to dust
you wonder as you cry
why it has to hurt so much
give Me all your sadness
someday you will know the reason why
with a child-like heart
simply put your hope in Me

Chorus:
take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days' better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
you don't know what's comin'
but you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown

just like a child holding daddy's hand
don't let go of mine
you know you can't stand on your own

Repeat chorus
Hebrews 11

A Woman's Heart

"A woman's heart is such a complex problem-the owner thereof is often most incompetent to find the solution of this puzzle." - Emmuska Orczy, The Scarlet Pimpernel

A Friend To My Husband

I have been praying for years for my husband to find a friend. A friend like Jonathan was to David. Someone who understands him, encourages him and calls him to account when necessary.

Husband doesn't trust people and he really doesn't trust Christians. Explain it by pointing to many betrayals early in his life. A child's perception of betrayal towards his parents; being surrounded by legalism and hypocrisy during "formative years"; teased by classmates and ostricized by friends when pulled out and home schooled. One could also chalk it up to his inate nature. He has always been very private and cerebral. He enjoys secrets and observation. He'll do well in his new job.

I, on the other hand, trust everyone. I enjoy people. I love to share with them. To know them and be known. I have many acquaintances and a couple of very close friends. My heart is an open book. I find comfort and peace in friendship.

Husband stays away from church. He prefers to stand before the Lord alone. He refuses to go to bible study. He would rather hang out in a bar with coworkers and watch people than go to game night with friends of 15 years. I love church. I love to worship with fellow believers - my snippit of what is to come. I love to go to bible study and glean from and be sharpened by others. I would much rather go to game night!

My concern for husband is that when you are walking alone is is easy to step off on a tangent. So I have been praying that he would find a friend. I have prayed for years for that friend. As we prepare to move into a new home, in a new area, with a new job and no church home I have become more frantic in my prayers.

This morning I woke up at 5am and was unable to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned while sending up random prayers and more and more my thoughts became frantic over what is to come. At 6am I finally got up and got my bible and started to read. While headed to the Psalms I felt drawn to the most peculiar book and while I didn't understand why I was there I felt compelled to keep reading. While I read I prayed, "Lord, I know you have me here... help me to understand what you have for me in this." I read about men who seemed to understand God's nature and seemed right in what they were saying and yet God said, "I am angry with you and your two friends, because you you have not spoken of me what is right,". They did not have God's understanding, nor did they seek it. God also said, "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?" Oh, I read and read so much I cannot put the the fullness of it here. But what came into my mind over and over was Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD."

I continued to read into the Psalms and continued to pray for my husband. Over and over I wanted to send a message to a friend that I thought might have wisdom for me, or even take care of it for me. Over and over God said, "No."

"But God, what do I do? He needs a friend. This would have to be such an extraordinary friend that he would trust him. That he would open up to him. That he may even receive healing through him."

"I have given him you to be his friend."

"What????"

And then it hit me. Husband trusts me. He trusts me like he has never trusted anyone else.

"But, I am a woman. I am his wife."

"Yes."

The enormity of this responsibility almost overwhelmed me. I am his friend. We've been together for 16 years, but this is a level of friendship beyond enoying his company and doing things together. Being a wife beyond making honey-do lists and seeking help with the kids. This entails understanding and not nagging. Praying and listening for that response. Being the prayer partner and staying accountable to the Lord so that I can help hold him accountable to the Lord. Not nagging, not pestering, not self seeking. All the qualities I had hoped someone else would offer God is asking me to offer.

"Lord, I can not do this on my own. Help me to seek you in every step. Let your words be the words I speak. In love and not in judgement. Help me to navigate through these waters as this new aspect of our relationship comes together."

I can see how our time here away from family and friends has prepared me for this. I can see very clearly how our move in California will make way for this. I am trusting that God will work this out. That he will guide me in the balance of this new role and yet keep me from taking the weight of things that are not mine onto my shoulders. That he will continue to open husbands heart to me and that we will worship the Lord our God together. This is what I truly desire... to stand before the Lord together, as friends, as husband and wife, as one.

I forgot to breathe. Again.

Uggg. Apparently I haven't been breathing again.

I noticed a few weeks ago that my heart rate has been on the rise. I cut back my coffee and started making it half-caf. That helped for a while. This weekend I started feeling a little shaky. This morning I got out of bed a felt a little light headed. I started paying closer attention to my breathing and sure enough I have relapsed into rapid shallow breathing and periodically holding my breath. Grrr. I've been breathing normally for the last 5 months. Things around here are getting hectic and emotional and now I'm not breathing. I knew I had a lot on my mind. Apparently I can't think and breathe at the same time. Back to remedial breathing for me....

Bedtime Prayers

Littlest: "God, I have a Little People one of you. I played with you today, God. Amen. "

Word of God Speak

I have been swamped over the last week. I have been busy acting as an assistant for my hubby's health insurance business that I will be taking over as soon as I get back to California and get my insurance license. I have been schooling my kindergartner - wow, he is smart! I have been teaching little ones at bible study. I've been grocery shopping, to the post office, and in search of inexpensive new pants for Biggest who has shot up about 3 inches since leaving California in August. Hubby got hurt in training last week so I was worried about him. I have also been very preoccupied with finances and the dreaded move to the Bay Area. All of this has left me dry. My computer time has been work and I have not had a desire to read the usual blogs or post. Until today.

I was sending a friend a link to our Sac church website. On the site there is a link to Mike's blog so I though I'd see what he was up to. There is a point in his current post where he quoted a challenge to stop and write a six line poem. I took that challenge and without thinking (which I have been doing too much of lately) poured this out:

When I am filled with grief

I am able to find relief

by sitting down in prayer

and finding my creator there.

He knows me as I am

and offers me his hand

to guide me through

the life I thought I knew

and then I am filled with peace.

Yes, very limerik like - I did have to fight the urge to start with "There once was a man from Natomas". But instead I started and then asked God what should come next. I truly felt alive and at peace in the few seconds it took to write it. What a lesson in the myriad of ways that God can speak to and through us if we only take the time to stop, listen (openly) and act. So, what does God want to say through you?

People

I love people. I love to observe people. I love to talk to people. I love to be around people. I don't really like to chit chat with people. I love to KNOW people. I like to know all about them. I like to know who they are, where they've been and where they want to go. I love to share their hurts and their dreams. I love to laugh with them and cry with them. I just love people. The problem (well, maybe not a problem for them) is that I don't like to "intrude". I am very aware that all of this is none of my business. I don't like to press people. I will generally sit and smile at them and hope they open up. They usually won't. (Who would?) So I am always wondering, who is this person, where have they been, where do they want to go, what are their hopes and what are their dreams? Probably why I like reading blogs. I can intrude all I want - they put it out there.

Conversation with God

Me: Wah, Wah, Wah.

Okay, so I didn't say "Wah" but it was about the same thing.

Me (tears streaming down my face): Father, I am not happy. I don't want to move to the Bay Area. I don't want to live so far from my family and friends. It is so expensive there. I don't want to deal with renting out the hou-

At this point I was overwhelmed by shame. I literally had to turn my head to the side. God didn't fill me with shame but more flooded past me all the blessings he has given me. Who am I to complain about not getting my way when I have SO much.

"Do you trust me?"

Oh no. Not that question.

Me: "Of course I trust you, but God-"

"Do you trust me?"

Me (squirming): "I trust you to do what is in your plan. I trust that you're not leaving me alone. I trust that-"

"Do you trust me with your life?"

Me (trying to figure out a way out of this one...): "But I just don't see why-"

"Do you trust me with your life?"

Eternal feeling 2 minute pause.

Me (very submissively): "Yes."

Peace washing over me.

"Then let me do it."

What Part of Fall are You?

You Are Warm Nights by the Fire

Peaceful and romantic. The best part of fall.

What Part of Fall Are You?

Morning Prayers

We start each day with a devotion and prayers. We then do school which ends in a fun game of Uno. Here is how today's morning prayers went:

Littlest: "Jesus, I got food. Help me to not break the curtains. Amen."

Biggest: "Dear Jesus, Help my sick to go away; please, please, please. Help me very much to win lots of Unos. Amen"

And everybody said, "AMEN."

On another note- Potty Training

I am pretty relaxed when it comes to potty training. As a SAHM I figured I'll either be training me to take them on time or I'll wait until they can do it on their own without prompting and accidents. I trust my memory about as much as I trust a young 3 year old boy's bladder.

When Biggest was 2 he expressed interest in the potty for about 2 weeks. It was very exciting and I ran out and got the potty training how-to books and the potty chair and we made a potty train for reward stickers. Then he lost interest and I relaxed and began to wait for the interest to arise again. By the time he was 3 and a half I could tell he was definitely in control of his bodily functions. I started to bring up the subject but he still was not interested in the least. However, he hated being changed so I reminded him that the sooner he started using the potty the sooner he would not have to submit to diaper changes. We tried pull ups but as he would use them like a diaper - without caring whether or not he had gone I figured it was pointless to spend the extra money on them. We tried the "feel and learn" diapers that hold the wetness closer to the skin so that he might be uncomfortable enough to want to train. It gave his sensitive skin the worst case of diaper rash I have ever seen.

We were one month away from his fourth birthday when I decided enough was enough. I knew he had the body control and something he said made me realize he knew it too. We went down to the store and he picked out 2 packs of very cool underwear.

The next morning I took him in to the bathroom, took off his diaper and put him on the toilet. Before I horrify you with what took place next let me say that this has always been my "strong willed child". He will fight me on anything for the sake of winning. From eighteen months until recently, everything was a fight (although the fight still crops up periodically). If I said to do it, he said no. Even if it was something he wanted. He wanted control over his own little life. Even giving him control over small areas of his own things made him a tyrant in all other areas. I have always reminded myself that these qualities will one day make him a good leader, if we stay the course and train him properly now...

So, back the bathroom... I took off his diaper and told him it was time to potty train. I told him that when he was done on the potty he could put on his underwear and we would do this together. I would set the timer and help him remember to try to go periodically. I reassured him that I knew he could do it and that even if there were accidents it was okay, we had lots of new underwear and it wouldn't take long to learn. He was furious. Sitting on the potty he demanded his diaper. I, very cheerfully, told him that he was a big boy and that he didn't need his diaper. He threw the underwear out of the bathroom while yelling, "Bad underwear". I handed him the underwear back and admonished him that the underwear was not bad and that he needed to at least give it a try. He threw the underwear again and again yelled at it. I calmly told him that as he did not need diapers anymore his choices were to sit on the potty all day, run around naked or to put on the underwear and go about his day. I then told him to think about it and let me know what he wanted to do. I then turned around and walked out of the bathroom.

He sat on the toilet yelling and screaming, "Bad Underwear, Bad Mommy!" After 45 minutes of yelling he said, "Okay Mommy, I'll wear my underwear now." Poor little guy couldn't walk right away. His legs were asleep from sitting so long on the potty. I cheerfully came in (without mentioning the rantings of the previous 45 minutes) and helped him put his underwear on. We exclaimed all about how neat they were and what a good job he had done picking them out. I reminded him that if he felt the need to pee to let me know and we would run to the potty together. He didn’t need my help at all. He kept that underwear dry all day and used the potty whenever he needed to, on his own. I was so proud of him. That night we put the diaper back on and discussed how it was only for nighttime and that the next day he could wear his underwear again.

The next morning we went back to the bathroom and he sat on the potty. I brought him his underwear and it started all over again. This time he screamed, ranted and raved, "Bad Underwear, Bad Mommy" for 30 minutes. The next day it took 15 minutes. By the 4th day he got up and put his underwear on with no problem at all. Within two weeks he was also in underwear at night and my boy NEVER had an accident. Not one.

This is on my mind as Littlest is quickly approaching 3 1/2. He is showing the same signs of readiness. We're not pushing too much as we still have a long drive to California ahead of us in 8 weeks but I know once we are home the training will begin. Fortunately, Littlest has never been as argumentative as Biggest. Hopefully it won't be quite the battle, but I am ready.

Three Hairs

I received this via e-mail today and considering I just posted about my "noticeably thinning hair" I had to put this here!

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well", she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "H-M-M-M", she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well", she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything. As the saying goes: "The kind of life you will have isn't determined by what happens to you, it's determined by your reaction to what happens to you."

Happy (almost) Birthday to Me!

I will be 32 this week. Wow, I am young. Well, I am aren't I. Of course I am. But wait... What is happening to my body? The betrayal has begun. I had to buy reading glasses (gasp)! At my last hair appointment the lady recommended a new shampoo for "noticeably thinning" hair. What!! And said hair, that I have been growing the color out of has decided to sprout a few more grays!

And so what will I do. Buy a walker... get a few cats... take up knitting...

Heck no! I am working out! I will go in for a prescription with cute frames! I will get a stylish haircut until it is all gone and then buy some hot wigs (move over Sydney Bristow)! I love being Thirtysomething. Life is good and I am young. Even better, I am more confident than I was in my twentys.

And when I am old I shall wear purple polyester... but that won't be for a very long time :-)

Ratted Out (aka "Hi Mom")

I've been ratted out... SOMEONE mentioned to my mom that I have a blog. She asked if she could read it. All morning I have been wrestling with that. Why? For silly reasons. Mostly because of my recent Remembering series. My blog isn't private. If it was you wouldn't be reading it ;-) Still, I have always wanted to protect my mom from anything unpleasant. Mom, like me is a very empathetic person. To read the trials, struggles and mistakes of her daughter... well, I want to protect her from that. I am pretty open with my mom. She hears it all, well most of it. But, the thought of her reading it here... should be no different. And so, without further ado: Mom, welcome to my blog. A place to ramble, think, remember, whine, complain and move on. Take it for what it is... me and my thoughts, perceptions and dreams. Don't look at things as a reflection of you, you did a good job (if I may say so myself) and you are one of my closest friends. Enjoy my days!

Remembering - Part 4 (The end/beginning)

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." Deuteronomy 8:2

The summer before high school I didn't see my friends very much. We lived pretty far out of town and it was difficult to get a ride. Of course, the few times we got together we caused trouble. We would drink, smoke, hook up with boys, and lie to our parents about where we were and who we were with. Amazingly I only got caught once. Overall, I was starting to feel more and more uncomfortable with the things we were doing.

While I struggled with this I talked to my youth pastor. He pointed me to scripture and taught me how to read it and apply it. Psalm 55 became the verse I meditated on as I felt myself pulling farther away from my friends.

I started my freshmen year with a new hope. I was a pretty good student and was determined to make the most of my high school years. My friends did too but not quite in the same way. Watsonville High School had 2800 students that year. 900 were incoming freshmen. Our feeder school, by far the lowest income/ socio-economic level, transferred in only 150 of those students. Many got lost in the shuffle. WHS has an open campus before school and during lunch. This was a tremendous amount of freedom for kids who just want to have fun.

I started hanging out with my friends only on weekends. I stopped drinking and started taking care of everyone when they got drunk. J and I broke up because even though we now went to the same school he would never see me. I went out with a few other guys but they truly only wanted one thing. The last party I attended drew the final line between me and my friends. It was a Saturday night. Mom only agreed to let me go to A's house if everyone agreed to join us for church the next day. 5 of us went to A's boyfriend's house for a party. I found some people to talk to but was bored stiff. I went looking for my friends and found D stumbling drunk and about to get into a car with 3 guys we didn't know, M was in a room smoking coco-puffs (cocaine laced cigarettes), A was having sex with her boyfriend and I found F in a room with a guy on top of her - she was trying to push him off but was so drunk she was having little luck. I pulled him off and threw him out of the room, piled all my friends on the bed together and called A's brother to come pick us up. He showed up two hours later and found us in the room I was guarding everyone in. I was so scared and angry I was shaking. This party was not our usual crowd and most were not happy at my "interference." I was never invited again and I never wanted to be.

That winter my sister got engaged, our church split and the youth pastor left the church. I was estranged from my friends, my mom was very distracted by the church split and a family situation that had come up, my sister was very distracted by her new fiance and I felt very alone.

One night I was feeling particularly distraught. My mom was at bible study and I was home alone with my younger brother. He was in his room and I sat on the kitchen floor and cried like I hadn't cried since my dad left my mom. I cried out to God, "I need you but I don't know how to get to you." At that point God gave me a vision. He was standing on one side of a great chasm, I was standing on the other. He said, "I am right here." I cried and said, "But I have no one to help me get to you." He said, "You don't need anyone. I am right here." At that point I realized that there was a bridge between us. I walked across that bridge and I have never again felt completely alone.

I really don't remember much else from that year of high school. I saw my friends periodically but only for more standard sleepovers. I plowed my way through school but mostly spent alot of time reading my bible and praying.

In October of the following year there was a very large earthquake on the San Andreas fault. Our landlords were divorcing and we were preparing to move. The house we were moving to was destroyed in the earthquake. My brother and I moved in with my dad. Changing high schools was like a gift. I was able to make a clean (without guilt) break from Watsonville and start over with new friends, new activities, new choices. I was involved with every club and activity my schedule could handle. I made friends with active people who actually tried to get good grades! I didn't date at all. Well, for about 6 months... but then I met hubby.

My "youth" doesn't feel like a lifetime ago. Remembering is more like watching a movie of someone else's life. So much happened in a few years that it is hard to believe it really was so few years. In my late teens and early twentys I was often told that I seemed much older than I was. I see now God truly led me through a desert. He was right there with me but allowed me to see what was inside me; to humble me, to show me what was in my heart and to allow me to make the choice to follow him completely.

"You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today." Deuteronomy 8:17-18