The Road to Blogging

This post has its roots in a comment I received to my computer widows post.

Blogging amuses me. It is my new toy. I enjoy reading other people's blogs. If I could ever figure out how to get a blog role working I could share who I'm reading. I'll give it to you in the long drawn out form:

The first blog I ever read was a friend's. I have always loved how she puts her thoughts out into the blogosphere and she is so darn funny. Then I started reading Mike's blog over at The Gates. This is a more thoughtful blog. One where I look at a topic, mull it around, possibly comment, take it with me when I leave and contemplate. Over at The Gates I looked at the blog roll and thought I'd check out what other people are doing. I found Oh, for the Love of God. It is a combination of sleepymom and The Gates. She led me to MIM (straight up mom who tells it like it is via cute kid stories) who led me to Mary P. (great kid stories and awesome parenting guidance) who led me to The Tutu Boutique (A place where a Dad a talks about being a Dad). These are my usual lurking places. All of which take about 10 minutes to check and laugh or contemplate. I do this before the kiddos wake up or while they are eating breakfast, or during nap time, if I have time that day.

I started my own blog to be a place for me to spew my thoughts. Kick them around, look at them up on the not so big screen. And to put fun things to remember like the purple crayon. Now I am enjoying blogging for a whole new dimension. Commenters. Anonymous has been very challenging and has shown me a lot in myself in a very short time. This is why I am blogging. Anon is forcing me to look at what I've said through the eyes of an observer. I then have to question, Is this what I am trying to say? And I get to have a good, challenging banter in the process.

I was so emotional in my teen years that I had a very hard time putting my thoughts into words. I gave up. The less said the easier it was to move on without people challenging me and making me more emotional. This didn't fly very well early in marriage and I had to work hard to use the words I had neglected for years. I have a patient hubby who would not let me get away with saying "Whatever" while walking away. But then my next challenge in communication came. Saying what I mean. In those teenage years I had become very careless with what I said. I didn't THINK about what I truly wanted or needed to say. Particularly when emotional. I am still not very good at this and it makes me very hesitant to discuss things in groups. I am learning and this is a very fun, yet safe forum to practice such skills. Call it Blog Therapy. Cheap therapy. Good times.

Andrea Yates and the idiots on Yahoo!

I just read a Yahoo! news article telling of the start of jury deliberations on the Andrea Yates trial. Out of curiosity and interest to join in a discussion I clicked on the discussion link at the end of the article. I was so offended by the crass, inane discussion (if you could call it a discussion) that I left the board feeling like I needed a shower. Perhaps it is because I have followed this case fairly closely. Perhaps because I have my own experience with Post Partum Depression. Perhaps because my "christian" eyes were just offended by the filth coming through their words. Mostly I was disappointed that the people involved in the "discussion" seemed more interested in spouting their opinions and insulting everyone else than actually having an intelligent discussion of the situation. To me, the Andrea Yates trial is a complex issue. There is so much that could be discussed. Not approved of, not agreed with, but analyzed and seen as a possibility to bring a very common but not understood topic to light.

Un-extreme

I am a very emotional person. I experience life through an extreme filter of emotions. When I am happy, I am elated. When I am sad, I am distraught. When I am mad, step back, she's gonna blow. When I am nervous, I am anxious. When I am anxious, I am not breathing. If I have nothing of my own to cause me extreme emotion I find other things to fill in. My friends, my family, TV.

Lately, my emotions have become physically unhealthy. The extremity of them has caused on-going panic attacks. My body and mind have been on the defense ready for the next wave to come over me. I have tried to be very conscious of this. I have practiced my awareness of breathing. I have practiced being more mindful of my thoughts and feelings. I am getting better at it.

Today, I have been wondering all morning what is wrong with me. Then I realized, I am not feeling extreme emotion. I am not elated. I am not devastated. I am not angry. I am not overwhelmed. I just am. I am busy. I have things to do. I am getting things done. But, I am not frantic. I am not hyperventilating because the floors need to be done. I am just doing them.

What a strange feeling this is. I think I need to meditate on this. I don't know this me. I don't dislike it. I just don't know what to do with it yet.

Destined to have computer widow wives...

We have a 17" monitor sitting in our living room. Hubby was supposed to hook it up for me a year ago. Alas, I am still using my 15" monitor and since hubby's monitor is now going out I am guessing he'll get the 17" next. After all, he needs it for gaming.

Anyway, the boys are currently sitting on the floor in front of the monitor (not hooked up to anything) deciding what "game" to play. Biggest suggests Star Wars. Littlest asks if he'll set it to 2 players. Biggest says, "No". And begins to stare at the blank screen while tapping his fingers on the rubbermaid bin it is sitting on (the keyboard). Littlest cries out at the injustice. Biggest relents and scoots over. Now both boys are engaged in a battle against the dark side with a blank monitor and imaginary keyboard. It starts so young. I'll have to apologize to their wives some day. I've tried. But I'm already losing the battle. They are too much like their dad.

Life Experiences Meme

From Mary P. and Alli:

Bold the ones you've done..
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne.
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can (it's fun, try it!)
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip (will be taking another one soon!)
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love (THAN! It's "THAN", you idiot who wrote this, not "THEN". Sheesh.)
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow (Though I've often expressed my own milk, and felt very much like a cow at the time...)
56. Alphabetized your cds
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music (does self recording in high-school & college count?)
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror.
96. Raised children. (in progress)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Pet a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office (if grade 8 student council counts!; me too, Mary!)
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life

How 'bout you?

Libby

Hubby's family reunion is this weekend. In previous years different families have taken turns hosting the family reunion all over California and Nevada. The past five years it has been hosted at Bonnie's house.

Bonnie's house is beautiful. They completely rebuilt it from the inside, complete with a pool and outdoor BBQ and volleyball area. It is stunning and they are willing to take on the job. The problem is Libby.

Libby is their German Shepherd. I am terrified of Libby.

When I was 7, I was bitten in 4 places by a dog (part pit, part boxer). The doctor said the dog would have chewed to the bone if it had not been for my puffy winter coat. My mom heard me screaming from inside the house up the hill from where I was. She came running and throwing rocks. By the time she got me home and went out to get my sister, who was headed home from school, my sister and a neighbor's child had been bit, too.

I grew up around dogs. We had a black lab and a husky at the time I was bit. After they were gone we had a chow/ shepherd mix. My dad had a lab and then when I was in high school a wolf/ shepherd mix. I never liked dogs before being bit and never felt safe around them after but I knew how to handle a dog and how to behave around them. I also know when a dog doesn't like someone. And Libby doesn't like me.

The first reunion we went to at Bonnie's house, Biggest was 4 months old. I didn't know they had a dog and when we rang the doorbell we were greeted by a very loud barking dog. While I got myself under control quickly my first instinct was to run. They opened the door and held on to her collar. They told us she had to get to know us first. All I could see was this set of teeth right at the height of my baby's feet dangling from daddy's arms. As she circled us to check us out I was flashing back to being bit on the butt - the bite that dropped me to my knees and almost cost me my face as a child. This was my introduction to Libby.

Apparently she deemed us okay and I made a point of staying away from her at all times. During the family sharing time around the BBQ pit I had to leave the group (and Libby) to go into the house to get Biggest who had just woken up from a nap. I went in, picked him up and headed back out of the house toward the group. Libby jumped up, at the ready, and started growling and barking at me. I backed slowly into the house and closed myself inside. Bonnie and Dave admonished Libby in a very sweet voice that, "It is just Cousin" and waved me outside. They didn't even hold the dog, still at the ready and watching me as I walked all the way past her and back to the group. I thought I was going to be sick and had to fight back the tears. Later I came out of the bathroom and the only soul around was, you guessed it, Libby. I closed myself back into the bathroom until I heard other people come into the house. Overall, we made it to the end of the day and I was relieved knowing the next year the reunion would be held elsewhere. I was wrong.

The following year Dave and Bonnie were gracious enough to host again at their lovely home. I was almost sick at the news. I emailed them and let them know my fears. I explained my past and that my fear of dogs reaches phobic proportions. I asked if they would be willing to put Libby either on a leash or in her yard (a lovely, landscaped side yard easily the size of my master bedroom, specifically made for Libby.) They e-mailed back that Libby was really a very friendly dog and I had nothing to worry about. We went to the reunion. They held the dog long enough for me to pet her and decided that since we were now friends and I had been enlightened to the fact the she was a very friendly dog it was okay to let her go. I stayed near people at all times and even had people escort me to the bathroom. I let my inlaws chase around, now 16 month old, Biggest while I stayed in the group. The one time I went to the bathroom without an escort guess who was there when I came out. I again went back in and waited for someone else to come around. I kept an eye on that dog the entire time and when we left Bonnie made sure to point out how right she was that I just needed to give Libby a chance. I smiled and nodded while holding back the very nasty words filling my mind and got into the car. Within two driveways I burst into tears and I cried hysterically for the next 5 minutes. I had been so stressed all day.

Now I choose not to go to the family reunion. Every year since I have received nothing but grief that I will not go. I get guilt trips from grandma and mom. I've been told that I just need to "give it to the Lord", that I am wrong for holding onto my fears.

I am so glad that none of them deal with the fear I do. I am sending the kids tomorrow with my in-laws so they can enjoy and get to know their extended family. I don't ever want my kids to have the fear I do. But, I do have this fear and while I enjoy the family and previously looked forward to reunion time every year, I will not go back as long as Libby is around.

Hurry up and wait

Well, we were told on Friday that we had to be in Virginia by the 24th. We scrambled. Scheduled a U-haul, verified the apartment, ordered the trailer hitch, picked up the last of the needed school supplies, etc. I had the winter firewood delivered today even though hubby had to go to work. There isn't time to wait. Leaving on Saturday. Then we got the call. Now we don't need to be there until sometime in August. Either the 7th or 21st. They'll let us know. And Oh, By The Way, our contact is leaving to go out of town until next week.

Ugh. Ultimately this is better. Now we have time to prepare. Hubby can help finish stacking the firewood (I got at least 1/2 a cord hauled up the driveway and stacked), he can work another week, maybe two. We can have a birthday party for Littlest (he has been talking about it for months). We can take our time. But, strange as it may sound, it was almost easier when I had no time. I didn't have time to over think, which I tend to do. I had my list. I had my time frame. I was pressing on. Now I am slowing down and stewing. Well, patience is a virtue...maybe not one of mine but, I'm learning.

Remedial Breathing

Well, my panic attacks reached epic proportions last week. After two months, I finally got fed up. Yep, that's me, willing to ignore the pink elephant in the room until it sits on me. Actually, I just couldn't take the tingly limbs and exhaustion anymore. After some research into anxiety/ panic attacks (see here) I realized I have been hyperventilating for the last 2 months. I thought you had to be loud and gasping to hyperventilate. You know, head between your knees, breathing into a brown paper bag type of scenario. Apparently, short rapid breaths qualifies. Unfortunately this has become my regular breathing style. Mostly because I am always in a state of panic. So, I entered remedial breathing.

My sweet hubby bought me a book called Breathe! You are alive. At first I thought he was making a joke but as it turns out it is a wonderful book. It has breathing meditations in it, which are helping tremendously, but it is also enlightening me in other ways.

For example, "Our feelings are us. If we do not look after them, who will do it for us. Every day, we have painful feelings, and we need to learn to look after them." and "When we survey our territory, we also find destructive traits, such as anger, despair, suspicion, pride, and other mental formations that cause us suffering. Because we do not like to look at these negative traits, we do not want to come back to ourselves. But with the aid of the practice of mindful breathing, we learn to take full responsibility for restoring our territory and taking good care of it." Wow, you mean I am suppose to deal with negative thoughts and feelings? I didn't think Christians were allowed to have those. What do you mean ignoring them isn't healthy???

And so, I am in remedial breathing. Learning again not only to breathe (not as easy as it sounds) but to look at, understand, accept and move forward with my negative thoughts and feelings. Looking at them allows me to see which ones are random negativity (didn't know I had so much floating around in there) and which are issues needing to be prayed over, acted on, communicated. Breathing is getting better. I am more at peace. Definitely making a better day for the boys.

Last night hubby got some stressful news. I haven't been breathing well again today. And so, I'm off to breathe and contemplate what I am so afraid of. Learning, slowly but surely.