"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." Deuteronomy 8:2
The summer before high school I didn't see my friends very much. We lived pretty far out of town and it was difficult to get a ride. Of course, the few times we got together we caused trouble. We would drink, smoke, hook up with boys, and lie to our parents about where we were and who we were with. Amazingly I only got caught once. Overall, I was starting to feel more and more uncomfortable with the things we were doing.
While I struggled with this I talked to my youth pastor. He pointed me to scripture and taught me how to read it and apply it. Psalm 55 became the verse I meditated on as I felt myself pulling farther away from my friends.
I started my freshmen year with a new hope. I was a pretty good student and was determined to make the most of my high school years. My friends did too but not quite in the same way. Watsonville High School had 2800 students that year. 900 were incoming freshmen. Our feeder school, by far the lowest income/ socio-economic level, transferred in only 150 of those students. Many got lost in the shuffle. WHS has an open campus before school and during lunch. This was a tremendous amount of freedom for kids who just want to have fun.
I started hanging out with my friends only on weekends. I stopped drinking and started taking care of everyone when they got drunk. J and I broke up because even though we now went to the same school he would never see me. I went out with a few other guys but they truly only wanted one thing. The last party I attended drew the final line between me and my friends. It was a Saturday night. Mom only agreed to let me go to A's house if everyone agreed to join us for church the next day. 5 of us went to A's boyfriend's house for a party. I found some people to talk to but was bored stiff. I went looking for my friends and found D stumbling drunk and about to get into a car with 3 guys we didn't know, M was in a room smoking coco-puffs (cocaine laced cigarettes), A was having sex with her boyfriend and I found F in a room with a guy on top of her - she was trying to push him off but was so drunk she was having little luck. I pulled him off and threw him out of the room, piled all my friends on the bed together and called A's brother to come pick us up. He showed up two hours later and found us in the room I was guarding everyone in. I was so scared and angry I was shaking. This party was not our usual crowd and most were not happy at my "interference." I was never invited again and I never wanted to be.
That winter my sister got engaged, our church split and the youth pastor left the church. I was estranged from my friends, my mom was very distracted by the church split and a family situation that had come up, my sister was very distracted by her new fiance and I felt very alone.
One night I was feeling particularly distraught. My mom was at bible study and I was home alone with my younger brother. He was in his room and I sat on the kitchen floor and cried like I hadn't cried since my dad left my mom. I cried out to God, "I need you but I don't know how to get to you." At that point God gave me a vision. He was standing on one side of a great chasm, I was standing on the other. He said, "I am right here." I cried and said, "But I have no one to help me get to you." He said, "You don't need anyone. I am right here." At that point I realized that there was a bridge between us. I walked across that bridge and I have never again felt completely alone.
I really don't remember much else from that year of high school. I saw my friends periodically but only for more standard sleepovers. I plowed my way through school but mostly spent alot of time reading my bible and praying.
In October of the following year there was a very large earthquake on the San Andreas fault. Our landlords were divorcing and we were preparing to move. The house we were moving to was destroyed in the earthquake. My brother and I moved in with my dad. Changing high schools was like a gift. I was able to make a clean (without guilt) break from Watsonville and start over with new friends, new activities, new choices. I was involved with every club and activity my schedule could handle. I made friends with active people who actually tried to get good grades! I didn't date at all. Well, for about 6 months... but then I met hubby.
My "youth" doesn't feel like a lifetime ago. Remembering is more like watching a movie of someone else's life. So much happened in a few years that it is hard to believe it really was so few years. In my late teens and early twentys I was often told that I seemed much older than I was. I see now God truly led me through a desert. He was right there with me but allowed me to see what was inside me; to humble me, to show me what was in my heart and to allow me to make the choice to follow him completely.
"You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today." Deuteronomy 8:17-18
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