Answers to This

In my last post I thought through my recent lack of motivation. I took time to put the situation into words, ponder it and pray about it. Within 30 minutes of posting I started getting answers. Praise God!

I realized (felt like I was told) that I tend to work best with a goal and a timeline. I need immediate goals and immediate time lines. Sadly, my children's overall develop through life, while an admirable goal and one that I do overall hold, doesn't keep me hopping. My house is cleanest when someone is immanently coming over. I am more productive when I need to get things done in order to be able to ______.

I recognize that this is not totally unusual so I'm not beating myself up over it. I just need something to work for.

I used to have a play date once a week with friends. I busted my tail to get everything done so that I could enjoy myself without all the things I didn't get done hanging over me. Since we moved I get together with these friends about once every 2 months. By then it really is a need and not just a play day so I go regardless of what needs to be done. I lost my imminent timeline and reward.

So, what do I do? I'm not entirely sure. I need social interaction. I get grumpy and depressed without it. A 5 minute conversation with my neighbor cheers me up enough for a load of laundry and dishes. I'm thinking of trying to schedule a regular play time with her. I also think I need to explore a few more activities in our home school group. Maybe we'll start going to park day. The schedule doesn't really fit ours but I think the boys need more social interaction as well.

I have also set a few timeline goals for myself. We'll see how long this discipline lasts. But, for now, I got my answer. I just have to do something with it.

This

"a better life must take place in the here and now. Only what I can attain today not what I hope for tomorrow."

This is the general theme of many writings I have come across lately. I have found myself procrastinating a lot. I have fallen into a pattern of doing the minimum and then withdrawing to my office and losing myself in the unimportant.

This is not the way I am supposed to live my life. This is not living life to the fullest. This is not being faithful with what God has given me. This is not what I want my legacy to be.

"This" is deeper than I can put into words right now. The impressions and feelings swirling around in my heart and my head. I am still trying to sort out what and how I can correct this pattern. I have many tools within my reach. Many options for living life different. But, I find my complacency somehow comfortable. Like a little cave I can crawl into and hide.

I think I am struggling with why I feel the desire to hide. Is it laziness? Is it apathy? It definitely selfishness. I feel like I am seeking protection. But protection from what?

In the meantime, I have responsibilities. I have people who need more than I am giving.

Father, help me to rise above this; whatever this is. Give me the desire, the energy and the wisdom to do what needs to be done. Help me to do it with a content and sincere heart. Help me to live my life in a way that will glorify you.

MOTHERS Act (My Postpartum Story)

I suffered from postpartum depression after youngest was born. Early on it probably could have been diagnosed as postpartum psychosis. By the time youngest was 4 weeks old I didn't feel like I could handle life. I didn't want my children to grow up knowing that their mother abandoned them so I was going to take them out with me. I had a plan. It all made perfect sense.

Sitting in my room on my bed with my 4 week old nearby I was contemplating my plan. Running through it all in my head. Timing it so that I would be as merciful as possible but also would complete the job. I couldn't live the way I was. I didn't want them to live without me. I knew I couldn't live with what I was going to do so I had to be sure it would be over for all of us.

Sitting on my bed, clear as day I heard His voice. HE said, "This is a lie." Clear as day I saw the truth. I don't know how to explain it. One minute, what I was planning was the only thing that made sense. It seemed so true. The next minute I could see so clearly the lie that it was. Reality came through. All I could do was cry and put myself before God in awe that He would want to save me and thankful that He did.

The next few weeks were difficult but the lie never tricked me again. By 6 weeks I was able to kinda admit to people where I was at emotionally and talk through things. I was terrified at this point that if I was fully honest my children would be taken from me and I would lose all respect/ trust from my husband. By six months I still felt disconnected from life but I felt so much better and even said, "I suffered from postpartum depression." By 1 year I realized that even at 6 months I was still suffering from it, just not in the form of psychosis. By 2 years I hit a day where I thought to myself, "I remember you. This is what it's like to be me." It took 2 full years after youngest was born to feel like "myself," even though I hadn't realized how much of myself I had lost.

It is by the voice of God that I sit here 4 years later with healthy happy children and a wonderful marriage.

There is currently a bill before the Senate called the MOTHERS Act. I rarely support government involvement and dollars for anything, preferring it to come through the private sector but I think this is a good idea.

The Moms Opportunity to Access Help, Education, Research and Support for Postpartum Depression Act, or MOTHERS Act (S. 1375), will ensure that new mothers and their families are educated about postpartum depression, screened for symptoms and provided with essential services. In addition, it will increase research into the causes, diagnoses and treatments for postpartum depression. The bill is sponsored by Senators Menendez and Durbin.

Postpartum depression is a serious and disabling condition that affects up to 20 percent of new mothers -- as much as 800,000 American women each year. Yet only 15 percent of these women will receive any assessment or treatment. Let me repeat. With all we know and as smart as we are, only 15% of 800,000 women will get diagnosed and treated. That is so wrong on so many levels. Women are not being diagnosed because they're not being educated and they're not being screened. Untreated, the consequences of maternal mood disorders range from chronic, disabling depression to death. The impact of untreated maternal depression on infants/children ranges from behavioral and learning disabilities to depression and, in the worst case scenarios, death from infanticide.

Specifically, the MOTHERS Act will help new moms by:

• Providing important education and screening on postpartum depression (PPD) that can lead to early identification and treatment. The legislation includes two grants to help health care providers educate, identify and treat PPD.
• Expanding important research to improve and discover new treatments, diagnostic tools and educational materials for providers. Since the exact cause of PPD isn't known, research continues to be the key to unlocking the mystery of this condition.

The bill is currently with the Health, Education, Labor & Pensions (HELP) Committee of the Senate. If the majority of the HELP Committee members endorse the MOTHERS Act, the bill will move forward for consideration by the Senate. Without Senate sponsors, the bill could languish in committee and await reintroduction at a future date. The moms of America can't wait for that. Most Senators rarely hear from mothers (and others!), and phone calls from you and your readers will cause them to sit up and take notice on a specific issue. Writing or sending emails has much less impact.

Today, October 24, 2007 bloggers all over are joining in the call to call. Please take time right now to call your senator and ask them to support this bill. Below is a sample of what to say as well as phone numbers. It will take very little time to call. Please call. If I didn't include your state senator you can go here for a list of all the state senator offices: http://www.postpartum.net/take-action.html

Suggested Script: "Hello this is (your name) one of Senator (Senator's name) constituents from (your town). I am calling to ask the Senator to co-sponsor The MOTHERS Act bill number S. 1375, sponsored by Senator Menendez, which will provide funding for research, education, screening and treatment of postpartum depression."

Arkansas: Lincoln (D-AR) 202-224-4843Pryor (D-AR) 202-224-2353

California: Boxer (D-CA) 202-224-3553 - Thank you to Senator Barbara Boxer for signing on as a sponsor. Feinstein (D-CA) 202-224-3841

Montana: Baucus (D-MT) 202-224-2651Tester (D-MT) 202-224-2644

Pennsylvania: Casey (D-PA) 202-224-6324Specter (R-PA) 202-224-4254

Virginia: Warner (R-VA) 202-224-2023Webb (D-VA) 202-224-4024

Wisconsin: Feingold (D-WI) 202-224-5323Kohl (D-WI) 202-224-5653

Thank you to Katherine Stone of Postpartum Progress for her segment yesterday on The Morning Show with Mike and Julie, for her work in bringing awareness and support to this and for her wonderful blog site devoted to this subject.

Schooling boys

Grammar: Gio is doing very well in grammar. He can take a sentence and identify the subject noun(SN), verb(V), adverb(ADV), adjective(ADJ), article adjective(A) and prepositional phrase(Prep Phrase aka prep (P) and object of the prep (OP) and all words in between.) We also started creating sentences using a word bank. He is given several words to choose from in each part-of-speech category. He has to use those words to put together a sentence. He doesn't always like the word options so when he is done with his required work he is allowed to pick his own words to create a sentence. Here is today's original creation following the given formula:

A ADJ ADJ SN V ADV Prep Phrase

A good focused soldier shot accurately from a plane.

History: This week we are learning about Ancient China. Today we learned that the Shang Dynasty lasted for 500 years beginning around 1766BCE. It is believed that the first Chinese writing, called pictograms, was developed during the Shang Dynasty. We looked at the pictograms for sun, waves, house, bow and arrow and soldier. Gio narrates back important facts in what I read to him from our text. Narration: "They ruled 500 years. They had bow and arrows, shields and armor." He was then assigned to choose 2 pictograms to copy. His choices:

and

Science: Most of this semester we have been focused on the Human Body. However, recently, Gio has developed an interest in Birds of Prey. We checked out a few books from the library and today read about Golden and Bald Eagles. The final part of the chapter discussed the status of Bald Eagles and how few are left. I explained "endangered species" and said that it is illegal to catch or kill a bald eagle. He was very sad that he can not have one as a pet (even after discussing the 8 foot nests, 3 inch beaks, 4 talons for tearing meat, the fact that they eat said meat and that they don't clean up after themselves; keeping rotting meat in their huge nests.) The conversation ended with the phrase, "No, you can not have a Bird of Prey."

I did however concede that if he is still interested once he is a teenager we'll discuss falconry.

Quote

"If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavorable. Favorable conditions never come."

--C. S. Lewis, "Learning in War-Time", The Weight of Glory

Cancer Sucks

My friend and cousin (through marriage), Andrea, had her mastectomy last Friday. I posted about her back in June. She has Imflammatory Breast Cancer and just went through a double mastectomy and an ooferectomy. She is 37, has 6 kids, a loving husband and a 1% chance of surving the next 10 years. Cancer sucks.


www.punkrockmommy.org/blog

Nerd Queen

I knew it would be expensive to move but this is a bit much...

When we moved we understood that we were moving to a more expensive area. We are paying far more for rent then we did for our house payment. Groceries cost more. Gas is not too different. But, these extraneous expenses of life are getting out of control.

The week that we moved the back windshield of the Pathfinder shattered. Not sure why. Someone suggested it was the very hot glass coming into contact with my cool 98.6 degree hand that caused it to burst and send shards of glass all around me. Whatever it was cost me a CHA-CHING- $500 deductible.

Then the car was stolen. As noted, it was recovered and is now in the shop; CHA-CHING- $500 deductible. As it turns out personal property is not covered under the auto insurance and CDs are not covered by the renters policy. Our deductible for the other items is, wait, can you guess... Yep $500. The camp chairs, tool kit and other misc items aren't worth even placing a claim on that but it will all be costly to replace (CHA-CHING).

Which leads us to tonight. My lovely children played outside for HOURS. They went outside at 11:30 am, came in for a 15 minute lunch break and headed back out until they were marched inside at 7pm. They had a grand time. One of the many games they played was to make a mine field of the patio using 1 inch diameter rocks from the side yard. It was covered. I said as long as they had it cleaned up by tomorrow I was fine with their game. However, if I had to clean up the rocks I would charge them for my time by taking back the $2 each I had paid them yesterday for picking up crab apples. They agreed.

Around 6:45pm they were tired of picking the rocks and decided instead to start throwing them. I had my first hint of their new activity when I heard a thud on the side of the house. I went to the slider and looked out just in time to see Youngest let loose a rock that hit right on target. Right smack in the middle of the sliding glass door. CRACK went the glass as two separate, lovely spider webs about 3.5 inches in diameter appeared before my very eyes. ZOOM went Youngest as he bolted screaming around the side of the house (apparently he noticed the look on my face).

I have no idea how much this will cost. Looking at how old this slider is (and how non-standard everything in the house is) we may have to replace the entire set. Oh my. What do you do with that? CHA-CHING!

Hello Car

CHP found our car. It was about 10 miles away in Gun Point, er, I mean Bay Point.

We just got home from a morning of dealing with all the things that needed to be dealt with. The Police Department for a copy of the initial report; CHP for a copy of their report; the tow yard to claim the vehicle; AAA to get it towed to the Auto Body shop; the Auto Body Shop and finally home. Thankfully, hubby took the morning off to help deal with all of this.

The back window was jammed down; probably how they entered the vehicle. The steering column had wires ripped out and the unused security system (I forgot the car had one of those pull the plug and the car won't start thingies) was ripped out. The face plate on the CD player was gone but they were unsuccessful in actually pulling the player out. It is all scratched up from the attempt. The center console is loose as they didn't seem to figure out how to use the latch to open it and instead decided to use force. The front bumper was scraped up and the back bumper is hanging with a broken light. The battery was taken. It was cleaned out. Everything in the trunk, car, glove compartment, floor boards and center console is gone; minus the wind chimes we tossed in the trunk on our last trip to the Sac house. The interior was sprayed down with WD-40, which will apparently cover up any finger prints that may be left behind. (Mental note on that in the event that I choose to pursue a life of crime.)

So, the auto body shop is going to do a safety inspection and coordinate all necessary repairs. We are going to make a list of all that is missing. I completely spaced on the CD cases that were in the car. Chris' old one - will we ever find Stevie B "Party Your Body" again? As well as mine. Somehow I don't think they'll be particularly interested in Contemporary Christian, children's praise songs, Dean Martin and 7 different classical composers. Too bad they didn't take the time to peruse the CD's and only take what they wanted. The kids were happy to hear that one of their praise CD's was still in the CD player and the auto shop will attempt to recover it for them. They had been lamenting, song by song, the loss of the CD.

Insurance continues to be very helpful. So sad that we have the $500 deductible but that is less than we would have had to pay without comprehensive insurance.

Hip hip hooray that the car was found and appears to be fixable. How nice that our little car will receive an overhaul. Its like the car is having a spa day. Cleaned up, the kinks rubbed out, a holistic approach. Now I need to schedule a spa day for myself! Thanks to all for the notes of concern and encouragement.

Bye Bye Car

Our car was stolen from in front of our house. Our 14 year old little white Altima that rocks on gas mileage. I hadn't been anywhere in two days. My neighbor came over for a visit yesterday and mentioned that she thought I was gone because she didn't see the car. I blew it off because from her house it is usually hidden by the Pathfinder. She visited for a couple of hours and then left to put her little ones down for a nap. She came back about an hour later to make sure I knew the car really wasn't there. I went outside to look and sure enough, no car. Just an empty space on the driveway.

We called the police. A very nice officer came and filed a report. We called the insurance company. I'm waiting to hear from the adjuster. The car seats were in the car so we can't go anywhere. It's okay. I don't need to go anywhere - except to buy new car seats.

I kept trying to figure out if maybe it wasn't stolen and I had just forgotten it somewhere. You know, you set the keys down and forget where you put them. Maybe I forgot and left the car at the store or something. Just blanked on the long walk home without the car.

I don't feel angry or violated. I am almost amused. Kind of a disbelief. Not an outraged "Why would anyone do this to us," but a "Why would anyone bother?" Yet, I am irritated at the inconvience. Now I have to deal with the police. Now I have to deal with the car insurance company. If we don't get the car back or it comes back destroyed we won't get enough for it to replace it with anything substantial and we can't afford a car payment. If we do get it back will it be just icky enough inside to be icky yet just okay enough to get nothing and be stuck with an icky car. Will the car seats be there and if they are will I trust using them to safely hold my children.

It's an old car but we know it well and we trust it. Now I'm just bugged. Ugg.

Epiphany for Today

Acts 1:7 "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority."

I am in a settled place. We have settled into the house. We are settling into a schedule. Our family is finding a rhythm together. It is not the location that I would have it be in. It is not in the way I would have written out for us. But today I am understanding that it is because I am not the writer of my life.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I am called to be a tool of God to shape my children; to shape my husband; and to shape the legacy of our lineage - according to His purpose.

Father God, enable me to keep my heart and will in line with yours so that I can fulfill the call you have on my life without bitterness or selfishness creeping in.

I feel your call so heavily in my being right now. Let my mind be filled with your words and my spirit be filled with your Holy Spirit that my words and actions would pour forth from your will into the lives around me.

I am humbled that you would use me. A broken and imperfect tool. That I would be useful to you in your plan set forth by your authority.

How awesome and great are you God.

The name above all names.

You are worthy of all praise.

My heart will sing, "How great is my God."

Chocolate Chip Pancakes

I make pancakes in large batches and freeze them for breakfasts (whole wheat served with sugar-free syrup). A few weeks ago at Youngest's birthday celebration with hubby's family Great Uncle Bill asked the boys if they had ever had chocolate chip pancakes. With a naughty twinkle in his eye he encouraged the boys to be sure I made them some. The boys have been pestering me ever since that evil sugar filled idea was planted in their heads.

Today while making a triple batch I was thinking about how nicely the two have been playing together the last couple of days so as a treat I added chocolate chips to the last 1 1/2 cups of batter. (Fortunately the 1/3 cup of chips in the back of the pantry from Christmas 2 years ago didn't look too old.) The boys were thrilled and the pancakes were a yummy treat. I suppose I will forgive Uncle Bill this time but if a sugar high kicks in we're shipping them to his doorstep in Santa Rosa!

Dogs

I have tried very hard to try to encourage the boys to not be afraid of dogs. Youngest really likes them and will go up to a dog that is with it's owner and pet it. Oldest will back peddle or hide. Today in grammar I asked them to give me some verbs that would go with the word Dog. Here is what Oldest came up with...

scratch
jump
destroy
kill

Perhaps I am failing in my attempts at portraying dogs as safe to be around...

The Chief End of Man

Q: What is the Chief End of Man?
A: To glorify God and enjoy him forever.

Question 1 of the Westminster Shorter Catechism. The boys and I went over this today. I don't plan on finding a church anytime soon. I hear the collective Christian gasp. We start bible study on Wednesday, September 5. I am so glad. CBS is a very good in depth bible study. I receive my teaching and fellowship and support. The kids program is outstanding and is very effective so my children will also be receiving biblical teaching as well as receiving the ever popular "socialization". On Sundays I will be leading them through the Catechism and we will review the Q&A each day during our devotion time.

I am so satisfied with this particular point of the catechism. It speaks to me in a profound way and I am left saying, "Yes!" The Chief End of Man - to glorify God and enjoy him forever. It is not about me. It is not about mankind. It is all about God. Now stemming from that is our responsibility towards others. Love your neighbor as yourself and all the implications of that but that is another blog post or two. But, as stated in the Catechism guide "the true view of Christian discipleship is that which sees the whole life as that to be consciously lived unto the honor of god and in the service of his name."

This morning Lord, and everyday of my and my children's lives, may you be given honor and praise.

How Great is Our God by Chris Tomlin

The splendor of the King, clothed in majesty,
Let all the earth rejoice, all the earth rejoice.
He wraps Himself in light, and darkness tries to hide,
And trembles at his voice, trembles at his voice.

Chorus:
How great is our God, sing with me,
How great is our God, all will see,
How great, how great is our God.

Verse 2:
Age to age He stands, and time is in His hands,
Beginning and the end, beginning and the end.
The Godhead, three in one: Father, Spirit, Son,
The Lion and the Lamb, the Lion and the Lamb.

Bridge:
Name above all names,
Worthy of all praise,
My heart will sing
How great is our God.

Math for Star Wars fans

Note: Littlest is now 4 and FINALLY potty trained so I will hereby refer to the children as Oldest and Youngest rather than Biggest and Littlest.

We started school last week. The math program we are using is a bit different than the standard school program in that it teaches to mastery at each step before moving on (as opposed to the spiral method). We have entered the tedious phase known as Addition Math Facts. This weeks lesson is the +2 facts and for some reason we are stuck on 2+3/ 3+2 and 2+4/ 4+2. 2+9 and 2+7? No problem the answers come flying out of his mouth. But 2+3 and 2+4 still require fingers or blocks. In an effort to keep this from being too painful for either of us I have been exploring various methods of memorization and review. We play flash card games, do worksheets, sing songs and do oral and online drill. I am also finding that using the different visual/oral formats is cementing the facts in memory as actual (searching for the word) computation rather than a visual recall of what the picture on the flash card means (does that makes sense?)

This morning I tried a new flash card game called Train. You place 10 cards in a row. The first card is the starting point; the last card is the end station. Beginning at the starting point, the child says aloud the answer to each fact. If correct, he continues to travel. If wrong he has to look at the answer, repeat the problem and answer and then go back to the starting point and begin his trip again.

I sat down and explained the game. I pulled out a Thomas the Tank Engine wooden train that we could use for our journey across the "tracks". I gleefully made the "whoo whoo" sound and pointed out in a very Thomas voice that "I am a very useful engine." Oldest was less than pleased. Apparently, being beyond Thomas, he had other ideas. Instead he pulled out his Star Wars Legos Boga Lizard (Episode 3) and made the "Lelelelele" sound (hmmm, a little like his mommy). His game was to leap from card to card on the lava planet of Mustafar without falling in and being burned to a crisp.(mommy defensive note: he has NOT seen episode 3 but has heard enough of the story to know about Mustafar and the lava.)

We had a great time. Unfortunately poor Boga Lizard got a bit singed whenever we hit 2+3 & 2+4 but at least Math Facts for today were a little more fun!

"Laissez-Faire Mom"

What Kind of Mom are You quiz results:

"Laissez-Faire Mom"
The results of The Balancing Act indicate that you are an "Laissez-Faire Mom." You are the type of mom that chooses to let your children do their own thing and make their own mistakes. You want your children to be independent, and feel that you shouldn't have an active role in the decisions and choices your children make. You like for them to choose and plan their own activities. You monitor their choice of TV shows, friends, and extracurricular activities, but you also give you them the leeway to choose what they enjoy. You love to spend time with your children, and your children love all of the fun you have together! However, you like to have time for yourself to just relax and do things that are important to you. You don't like to follow schedules or expect your child to either. You just let things happen, as they will. There's nothing wrong with being flexible!

Your children are a very important part of your life. You are the type of Mom that regardless of whether or not you currently work, you would probably rather be home and a homemaker. You would be happiest being flexible with your activities, spending time with your children, and nurturing yourself and your family.

However, living a carefree and schedule free life can have some negative consequences. Some children do not thrive well if they are not on a stringent schedule. If you have adopted this style of mothering, it is important that you are in tune with your children so you can recognize their dissatisfaction with it. Also, being flexible lends itself to time management problems. If you are too flexible, you often to not get everything you need done, which can stress you out and leave you frazzled. A stressed and frazzled mom is a grouchy one, which can alienate your child. Therefore, it is important to balance your flexibility with practicality.

Children of "Lazziez-Faire" Moms are often very creative and secure. They are not afraid to take risks or to be independent. They often get excellent grades in school because mom is always there to encourage them to do their best and follow their dreams. Most importantly, this mom is secure enough to let her children be their own person, and that is the greatest reward of all.

A House Is Not A Home

The movers come in two days.

We are moving closer to hubby's work... We almost sold the house but for several reasons decided against it. We are renting it out and renting a place in Concord.

I am so sad. I love my house. I love my neighborhood. I love living so close to my family and close friends. I love my house.

I've been trying to figure out my attachment to this house. It's not like I haven't moved before. I have moved eight times that I recall. Apparently two other times that I was too young to remember.

I think this is the first place I have felt at home since I was 7. When I was seven we moved to a new house an hour from the old one. I felt very lonely. At the new house my parents divorced.

As part of the divorce agreement my parents sold the house and we moved with mom to a rental in the middle of nowhere. I felt lonely and out of place. I think I hid it well - generally a go-getter, but inside I was lonely and didn't feel like I fit in. I think that was why I tried so hard to make LOTS of friends and participate in activities, but I still didn't feel like I fit in.

At 15 we moved in with my dad. My dad was always my imaginary kinght in shining armor and I loved living with him. It also gave me a fresh start when I needed it. But, I was always very aware that he didn't ask us to live with him. It was necessity. And I was old enough to realize that my dad was not a knight.

I moved back in with my mom shortly after getting engaged to hubby. I bounced between her apartment and his. After the wedding I moved into hubby's little apartment. We lived there for about 6 months and then rented a furnished house from his parents.

My mother-in-law, who is a very dear friend, is the queen of clean. She also knew the right way for the house to be set up. She tried very hard to not intrude but she really couldn't help herself and usually didn't even realize what she was doing. It had been her house and her furniture for years and she was dealing with the loss of that while they lived on the road in a motor home for business purposes. I can't count the number of times she and I moved the kitchen table back and forth 2 inches over the seven years we lived there. She thought the middle of the table should line up off of the railing in the room. I liked it 2 inches to the right so it wasn't so close to the pantry. I think it took 5 years for me to finally get the nerve to ask her to stop moving it. She was embarrassed that she had never realized I had it where I wanted it.

Our marriage went through allot in that house. We did allot of growing up and growing apart and then together again. For years I had wanted to move to Sacramento to be closer to family and friends. Hubby finally consented and we went house hunting. We went through 7 houses before we found this one. After seeing 4 with a realtor we struck out with friends and literally found this house at the end of a rainbow. We added it to our realtor list the next day. It was the 4th house of the day and when we walked in we knew it was home. We made the offer, signed the papers and 2 weeks later closed escrow. I had my home. [Pause to cry.]

We've lived here seven years. Three months after moving in I was pregnant. It was so funny bringing biggest home from the hospital. We got home and then didn't know where to put him while we had dinner. We settled him on the bouncy seat and had Thai food while watching a movie. Littlest was born in the dining room. We had a planned home birth with a set of wonderful midwives. A friend of ours loves to point it out during dinner parties. We went through very good financial times and very bad financial times when the house equity was the tool God used to keep us afloat. Now we are moving.

Friends keep pointing out that "at least you are keeping the house", which is true. We may come back to it, we may not. But while I have been here I have felt safe. I have felt like I belong. I have been at home.

I am praying that God will help me feel at home in the house we are going to. I don't love the house. I don't love the neighborhood. I don't love the area. But I love my hubby and I miss him. I love my boys and they need to see more of their daddy. I love my God and I trust that he will work this together for good. I just want to be home.

Budding Songwriter

This morning Littlest told me it was a day to sing to God. He sat on the floor with a piece of scratch paper in front of him, his ukulele in hand and an improvised pick and started to play and sing. I wrote as fast as I could to keep up with his songs:


Song for God

We love God because
he has more power than us.
We have no power
but he does.

He made the whole wold (world).
He has more power than us
He made the plants.

Song for Jesus

We love Jesus
and he's God
and it's right to trust God.

(Followed by a speaking part while he was strumming away but I couldn't keep up him)

God

We trust God because
he says he's with us in the dark.
If you get scared he'll come and bring his angels.
He'll come for us if we're scared in the dark.

Punk Rock Mommy

I know, I know... I've been away for a long time. Theoretically in about 2 months I'll have time to start blogging again. In the meantime...

Andrea Collins Smith has been a tremendous blessing to our family.

She and hubby's cousin, Kelly, met over 3 years ago. Kelly is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. But, he is not typical to our friends or family. His background is tough - not that that is atypical - and he has had trouble finding his place in this world. Andrea gave him that place. She also brought him to what none of the rest of us could... a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Andrea was an amazing single mother of 5. She and Kelly got married a couple of years ago and last October baby #6 arrived (2 weeks early at a petite 10 pounds - biggest baby in the NICU). Their family is wonderful. And from what I can tell, they are perfect for each other.

Last month Andrea was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC). At this point she is undergoing chemotherapy. She is facing a mastectomy and radiation after that. They are being hit hard. They are holding strong in their faith and each other.

A friend of theirs set up a blog for them to follow their journey through postings and pictures. If anyone still reads this blog and would like to know more of Kelly, Andrea and their journey through IBC they can do so at www.punkrockmommy.org.

Tossed by the waves (aka Double Minded)

A couple of weeks ago I was struggling. Our house is on the market. We are trying to move closer to hubby's work but I don't want to. Actually, I do want to. No, I don't want to... See what I mean. There is far more to the story but to get to the point of today's blog I was really fighting the sale of the house.

It was a gradual thing. When we put the house on the market I threw myself into the project with gusto. I packed up all the extraneous things around the house and moved them to storage. I cleaned walls, windows, floors, cabinets, etc. I manicured the lawn and spread new bark in the flower beds. I even pulled out the dreaded weed eater. I painted the entry way and the hallway (badly needed). I felt good.

Two weeks passed and two people came to see the house. I was devastated. Not that only two people came. I was devastated each time I though of someone else "taking my house". Then came the gradual decline. I started praying, "God, please give us wisdom. Show us if we should keep the house." I heard nothing back. Silence. "Oh God, please. Show us where you want us." Silence. This went on for the next two weeks.

Then came Friday. I was sitting in the living room looking at the wall that really needs a new coat of paint thinking, "I really need to get off my rear and paint that wall" and then I heard it. A little voice in the back of my mind saying, "I don't want to paint it (imagine the snottiest tone you ever heard in a child's voice). Then someone might buy it." Then I was thinking, "I really need to do yard work today. Tomorrow is going to be a good house hunting day. I need to get that done." And then Snotty Voice said, "I don't want to do yard work. If it looks nice someone will buy it." Then I threw a fit. I was so DONE with this. Why should I do yard work and paint for someone else particularly when I didn't even want to sell the house. So I threw myself down on the floor. "Oh God, I am in anguish. Please God, please, give us wisdom. I feel like I am being tossed by the waves." Nothing.

Tossed by the waves. That was exactly how I felt. I knew just where to find that in my bible so I pulled out my bible a flipped it open to James 1:2-8.

"2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Yeah, okay , I want that - mature, complete, not lacking anything.

"5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

Yes, God, yes, give me wisdom."

"6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

OUCH!It hit me right in the heart. Before we put the house on the market we prayed about it. We knew it was what we needed to do. I was being double minded. Because it wasn't want I wanted to do I "forgot" the peace we had about it and started begging for a different will from God. No wonder I was being tossed. I threw myself out of the calm waters and into the roaring ocean of doubt. I was double minded and unstable and "should not think he will receive anything from the Lord." Well, that would explain the silence.

I threw myself back down (yes, the drama) on my knees and asked God to forgive my double mindedness. I prayed for strength to do what I didn't want to do. God is so faithful. I was filled (after a bit more prayer) with so much peace. I got up, happy and glowing, and decided to go take a shower and move on with my day.

Then I heard HIM. Quietly, gently. "The yard work needs to be done today."

Me: "I'm going to go take a shower."
HIM: "You need to do the yard work."
Me: "Yeah, I should go take a shower."
HIM: "You are being rebellious. You need to do the yard work."
Me: "If I do the yard work, someone will buy the house."
Him: Silence.

Sorry God. I put on my work clothes and headed out side and had the most wonderful afternoon enjoying God's creation and being thankful for the time I have had in this house.

Two weeks later, we really don't think the house is going to sell. The market is bad and we're moving to a more expensive area so we can't drop on our price. We'll give it a little more time but for now we're working toward renting the house out and renting something near hubby's work. If the house sells, I'll be sad. If it doesn't I'll have a lot of work to do as a landlord. Whatever God has for us I am (gripping the arms of my chair) ready for. 1 Corinthians 10:31 "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

What Kind of Soul Are You?

You Are a Newborn Soul

You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance.On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others.You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative.Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you. Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter.You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything.You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships.Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily. Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/">What Kind of Soul Are You?

Three Things

Three Things about me you may not have known . . .

Three jobs I have had in my life:
1. Nanny
2. Stocked stores and arranged displays for Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream
3. Operations Manager for an Executive Suite

Three Places that I have lived:
1. Watsonville, CA
2. Columbus, GA
3. Bay Point, CA (lovingly referred to as Gun Point, CA)

Three TV shows I like to watch: (I didn't follow the rules at all)
1. CSI (the original) & NCIS
2. The Unit
3. Survivor, Amazing Race and American Idol (though the Pussycat Dolls is awfully funny)

Places I've been on holiday/vacation:
1. Puerto Vallarta, MX
2. Maui (pre-children)
3. Napa (pre-children)

Three of my favourite foods:
1. Italian Food
2. Mexican Food
3. Anything Hubby is cooking

Three places where I would rather be right now:
1. On a cruise
2. with my hubby
3. Getting a massage

Olive

I haven't had time to read any blogs lately and so at lunch I started going down the list of my favorites. This was linked to off of one of the blogs. It is incredible. It is a 108 year old woman who with the help of "Mike" has started her own "blob". They have pictures and essentially Mike transcribes their conversations.

http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/

Psalm 71

1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;

let me never be put to shame.
2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;

turn your ear to me and save me.
3 Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go;

give the command to save me,

for you are my rock and my fortress.

4 Deliver me, O my God,

from the hand of the wicked,

from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

5 For you have been my hope,

O Sovereign LORD,

my confidence since my youth.
6 From birth I have relied on you;

you brought me forth from my mother's womb.

I will ever praise you.
7 I have become like a portent to many,

but you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,

declaring your splendor all day long.

9 Do not cast me away when I am old;

do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
10 For my enemies speak against me;

those who wait to kill me conspire together.
11 They say, "God has forsaken him;

pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him."

12 Be not far from me, O God;

come quickly, O my God, to help me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;

may those who want to harm me

be covered with scorn and disgrace.

14 But as for me, I will always have hope;

I will praise you more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,

of your salvation all day long,

though I know not its measure.
16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts,

O Sovereign LORD;

I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,

and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
18 Even when I am old and gray,

do not forsake me, O God,

till I declare your power to the next generation,

your might to all who are to come.

19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,

you who have done great things.

Who, O God, is like you?
20 Though you have made me

see troubles, many and bitter,

you will restore my life again;

from the depths of the earth

you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor

and comfort me once again.

22 I will praise you with the harp

for your faithfulness, O my God;

I will sing praise to you with the lyre,

O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy

when I sing praise to you—

I, whom you have redeemed.
24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts

all day long,

for those who wanted to harm me

have been put to shame and confusion.

Take My Hand

Life is crazy. It is up, it is down, it is so busy. This weekend I was working in the kitchen and I wanted to listen to music. On hand was my little radio with a tape deck so I went in search of a cassette. After a good hard look I came across several childrens books on tape so I kept looking. I finally dug out a tape from 1994, You by The Kry. I saw them in concert back then and fell in love with the music. I popped the tape in and when the song Take My Hand came on I felt like it was God speaking to me through their words.

Take My Hand (listen here)
I know there are times
your dreams turn to dust
you wonder as you cry
why it has to hurt so much
give Me all your sadness
someday you will know the reason why
with a child-like heart
simply put your hope in Me

Chorus:
take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days' better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
you don't know what's comin'
but you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown

just like a child holding daddy's hand
don't let go of mine
you know you can't stand on your own

Repeat chorus
Hebrews 11

A Woman's Heart

"A woman's heart is such a complex problem-the owner thereof is often most incompetent to find the solution of this puzzle." - Emmuska Orczy, The Scarlet Pimpernel