Answers to This

In my last post I thought through my recent lack of motivation. I took time to put the situation into words, ponder it and pray about it. Within 30 minutes of posting I started getting answers. Praise God!

I realized (felt like I was told) that I tend to work best with a goal and a timeline. I need immediate goals and immediate time lines. Sadly, my children's overall develop through life, while an admirable goal and one that I do overall hold, doesn't keep me hopping. My house is cleanest when someone is immanently coming over. I am more productive when I need to get things done in order to be able to ______.

I recognize that this is not totally unusual so I'm not beating myself up over it. I just need something to work for.

I used to have a play date once a week with friends. I busted my tail to get everything done so that I could enjoy myself without all the things I didn't get done hanging over me. Since we moved I get together with these friends about once every 2 months. By then it really is a need and not just a play day so I go regardless of what needs to be done. I lost my imminent timeline and reward.

So, what do I do? I'm not entirely sure. I need social interaction. I get grumpy and depressed without it. A 5 minute conversation with my neighbor cheers me up enough for a load of laundry and dishes. I'm thinking of trying to schedule a regular play time with her. I also think I need to explore a few more activities in our home school group. Maybe we'll start going to park day. The schedule doesn't really fit ours but I think the boys need more social interaction as well.

I have also set a few timeline goals for myself. We'll see how long this discipline lasts. But, for now, I got my answer. I just have to do something with it.

This

"a better life must take place in the here and now. Only what I can attain today not what I hope for tomorrow."

This is the general theme of many writings I have come across lately. I have found myself procrastinating a lot. I have fallen into a pattern of doing the minimum and then withdrawing to my office and losing myself in the unimportant.

This is not the way I am supposed to live my life. This is not living life to the fullest. This is not being faithful with what God has given me. This is not what I want my legacy to be.

"This" is deeper than I can put into words right now. The impressions and feelings swirling around in my heart and my head. I am still trying to sort out what and how I can correct this pattern. I have many tools within my reach. Many options for living life different. But, I find my complacency somehow comfortable. Like a little cave I can crawl into and hide.

I think I am struggling with why I feel the desire to hide. Is it laziness? Is it apathy? It definitely selfishness. I feel like I am seeking protection. But protection from what?

In the meantime, I have responsibilities. I have people who need more than I am giving.

Father, help me to rise above this; whatever this is. Give me the desire, the energy and the wisdom to do what needs to be done. Help me to do it with a content and sincere heart. Help me to live my life in a way that will glorify you.