Difficult Decisions

What an emotional day I had yesterday.

Hubby came home and we ran errands most of the day, went on a tour of his building and dorms and took the boys swimming before dinner. He stayed until 11p.m. and then had to get back. The enormity of what he is training to do hit me like it hadn't before. I suppose I was equating it with his military training. Because he has always been a reservist (he joined the day before we met and left for Basic 2 weeks later) and for unknown reasons God has always kept him from deployments outside the U.S., his military trainings and duty have always been more of a hobby in my mind- even his service in Operation Enduring Freedom.

I don't know that I can even put yesterday's experience into words. Walking through the halls, seeing the artwork on the wall, the people in the hallways, the memorials everywhere you look. Discussing what we can about the subjects he's learning; the constitution, court cases, due process, use of force, protection. Seeing his room; a very old building with peeling paint and a funny smell. Tiny rooms, 2 people to a room plus their desks and wardrobes. 4 people to a tiny bathroom, again with peeling paint and a shower I wouldn't want to stand in. The building is very old but slowly being renovated. He just has the "privilege" of being there before the renovations are complete. I am starting to understand what it is to be a spouse to someone in law enforcement. It is not one weekend a month, two weeks a year. He has already been given his holster and magazine cases. He has been fitted for his body armor, both the under clothes one and the flack jacket. They are tailor made and will be ready in a few weeks. This is certainly a life changing/ life perspective changing experience.

The boys and I had been planning a trip back to California for 2 weeks in September for several big events. By yesterday it was too overwhelming and I cancelled the trip. The flight to California has a plane change, the flight home has 2. These I would have to make with two little boys and two car seats that I can't risk not making the change with the luggage (the boys or the car seats!). The return flight is a red eye so one of the changes would involve dragging sleeping children off the plane, with the car seats and waiting 3 hours in Atlanta for the connecting flight. There are no shuttles this far south of the airport and that leaves an hour long $75 taxi ride one way (followed by the 9 hour trip). Hubby can't make it back for his brother's wedding so we wouldn't see each other for nearly 3 weeks. During that time we find out where Hubby will first be assigned. He has numerous tests and his second fitness test the week following the wedding. I felt like I was forcing the travel plans because there are some really big things happening next month that I want to be apart of. But I realized that I am here because I am a part of Hubby's life and this is where I need to be. For him and for me.

My in-laws were disappointed when I called to tell them. Disappointed to the point of being angry. They thought we were being dramatic and that hubby was manipulating me. I was shocked at their lack of understanding and was in tears by the end of the conversation. I also called brother-in-law. He was very understanding of the situation, though I was almost in hysterics at this point. Biggest cried when I told him he won't be able to be a ring dragon (he didn't want to be a bear).

It wasn't an easy decision to make. I won't see Cathy get married; we've been friends for 17 years - she the last of us girls to get married. I'll miss Carissa, Jessica and Sandi's birthdays. I won't see Ruthie (but I pray she'll be home from Guatamala by then anyway). We won't get to play with everyone and ultimately we won't be a part of Scott (brother-in-law) and Megan's (best match for him there could ever be) wedding. We've known since Hubby started this process last winter that we would be gone by this fall. (In-laws neglected to check with us before scheduling the wedding and were unwilling to reschedule because they got a good price on the honeymoon cruise.) I am sorry for what we are missing but I know I made the decision that is right for our immediate family. Sometimes it is just tough to make the call.