Anxiety

I had the mother of all anxiety attacks yesterday.

He passed his eye exam.

My Man is working towards a career change. This pretty much clinches the deal. We are expecting to receive word within the next week or two or three or four (no idea when) of a start date. On the other side of the country.

He'll be there for 20 weeks. The boys and I will join him for three months. I've been researching apartments. Ohhhh, it's gonna be expensive. We took out a line of credit on the house to get us through. I hate debt. Not to mention it is one more monthly payment but $100 a month on credit is better than the $2500 a month to live there. In addition we will be keeping the house here in Cali. By week 6 he'll know where his first assignment will be. Then we'll either come home or move and rent out the house.

There is no "real" reason for the anxiety. It will be an adventure. It's a 3 month vacation in an unfurnished apartment on air mattresses, and did I mention that My Man will only be able to join us on the weekends. We'll swim at the complex pool, go to the library, go to the playground, do school stuff. I've never been back east and there is so much to do and see. But...

I have a tendency to take the weight of the world on my shoulders. My life philosophy has been, "If I don't do it, it won't get done." And heaven forbid I expect or ask anyone to share the load. I'm learning. I actually had a big break though with this a few months ago due to my fabulous pastor and his training in Theophostic prayer (you can see his blog and more on TPM here). I haven't had an anxiety attack in months. But then My Man passed the eye exam.

Now, as I said, I am learning. I have learned the lies behind my anxiety, as I mentioned, one of which is I can't ask anyone to share the load. Not good in a marriage. So, I told My Man I was having an anxiety attack. This led to near hyperventilation. The tears started, I could hardly speak through the panting. It wasn't a pretty sight. But I was able to admit that I was overwhelmed and felt it was all on me. He seemed to think this would be a grand adventure but as he'll spend five days a week occupied in classes with adults and I will spend five days a week with two young children in a strange place without all the comforts of home including church and play group (can you sense my typing speed increasing as I ramble on) he finally saw my point. We sat down and went through all my research. We talked it through, including the debt part ( I needed to know he understood what we were taking on, even though he already knew). By the end of our talk I was feeling much better. Then I pulled out all my school stuff and started planning next year. It's only kindergarten but I felt much better getting my thoughts together on what we're doing. My limbs are still a bit numb and I definitely haven't let it all go but I'm getting there.

And did I mention my jobless mom will be moving in with us by this weekend.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength... I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength... I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."