All of my days

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2010-04-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

FOR TODAY: April 14

Outside my window... sunshine, fluffy clouds, flowering rose bushes. If it wasn't for this I wouldn't have even looked outside yet.

I am thinking... I have a scratchy throat. I am worried about a friend. I need to get back to teaching. I need to start the yogurt, do laundry and grocery shop.

I am thankful for... my home, family and friends.

From the learning rooms... Gio should be finishing Mr. Popper's penguins today. Still have grammar, writing, history and spelling.

From the kitchen... hopefully homemade yogurt, if I ever get it started.

I am wearing... sweats, a sweatshirt and fuzzy socks. I am always cold.

I am creating... a meal plan and a grocery list .

I am going... to the store after hubby gets home.

I am reading... The Far Side of the World, Clean Eating Magazine May/ June Issue

I am hoping... that this cold passes quickly.

I am hearing... Gio brush his teeth and Dante trying to distract him by shooting at him with an imaginary gun from down the hall.

Around the house... so much to do. Laundry on the laundry couch, dishes in the sink, school papers to be filed away.

One of my favorite things... coffee and mid mornings with my boys.

A few plans for the rest of the week: tomorrow Gio get his expander and braces on his four front teeth.

Here is picture for thought I am sharing...

http://thesimplewomansdaybook.blogspot.com/

Makeup (Warning, shallow girlie posting)

2010-01-29T11:14:00.001-08:00

I think everyone knows that I wear makeup. There was a day that I wouldn't leave the house without it. Parenthood seems to have bumped makeup down on my to do list. My usual makeup regime involves foundation, loose powder, blush, eye shadow (3 colors) , eye liner, eye lash curler, mascara, lip liner and lipstick. Wow, I am exhausted just thinking about it. For years I have heard about the mineral powder. All you have to do is wisp a bit of powder on your face and voila! Your skin tone is evened out and you don't need the creme foundation and powder of choice. I was so skeptical. Two days ago I broke down and bought Mary Kay's Mineral Foundation. I tried it this morning and was stunned. It was fabulous! A little brush here, a little brush there and I now get to remove one step (the messy one) and one product from my routine! It's the little things.

I suppose this was a very shallow place to start my re-entry to my blog but I was pleased as punch and had no one to tell. :-)

Remembering Grandpa

2008-03-07T14:43:00.000-08:00

My grandpa died this morning. He was my paternal grandfather. My dad's dad. My grandpa.

Grandpa was a big man. He stood over 6 feet. He had strong arms and big hands. He had a big voice but not a scary big voice. A quiet big voice. Grandpa had a twinkle in his eyes.

Revisiting memories of Grandpa I see that I liked to take things from him. Apparently, when I was little bitty I swiped his beer can (an old yellow Coors can) and left him backwash. I took the last blueberry muffin one time. They were his favorite. I ate all his bean dip at Christmas, also his favorite. When he'd get home from work I would run for his chair and be sitting in it pleased as punch waiting for him to shoo me out of it.

In the early years Grandpa and Grandma had horses. We would follow Grandpa down to the barn to watch him feed the horses. On days that we got to ride we would wait impatiently while he saddled the horses. Usually us kids would wait down at the arena for the adults to bring the horses but sometimes I would get to ride the horse, with Grandpa leading it, through the corral, down the path and into the arena. I remember one day being one of the last to ride. The horse was hot and tired and I wasn't very big or heavy so I doubt she even knew I was on her back. She decided to roll in the dirt. I remember her starting to roll and Grandpa pulling me off before she hit the ground. I was safe with Grandpa.

Grandpa was a gentle man. A loving man. A wonderful husband, father and grandpa. I'm so sad that he is gone.

Answers to This

2007-11-29T14:02:00.000-08:00

In my last post I thought through my recent lack of motivation. I took time to put the situation into words, ponder it and pray about it. Within 30 minutes of posting I started getting answers. Praise God!

I realized (felt like I was told) that I tend to work best with a goal and a timeline. I need immediate goals and immediate time lines. Sadly, my children's overall develop through life, while an admirable goal and one that I do overall hold, doesn't keep me hopping. My house is cleanest when someone is immanently coming over. I am more productive when I need to get things done in order to be able to ______.

I recognize that this is not totally unusual so I'm not beating myself up over it. I just need something to work for.

I used to have a play date once a week with friends. I busted my tail to get everything done so that I could enjoy myself without all the things I didn't get done hanging over me. Since we moved I get together with these friends about once every 2 months. By then it really is a need and not just a play day so I go regardless of what needs to be done. I lost my imminent timeline and reward.

So, what do I do? I'm not entirely sure. I need social interaction. I get grumpy and depressed without it. A 5 minute conversation with my neighbor cheers me up enough for a load of laundry and dishes. I'm thinking of trying to schedule a regular play time with her. I also think I need to explore a few more activities in our home school group. Maybe we'll start going to park day. The schedule doesn't really fit ours but I think the boys need more social interaction as well.

I have also set a few timeline goals for myself. We'll see how long this discipline lasts. But, for now, I got my answer. I just have to do something with it.

This

2007-11-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

"a better life must take place in the here and now. Only what I can attain today not what I hope for tomorrow."

This is the general theme of many writings I have come across lately. I have found myself procrastinating a lot. I have fallen into a pattern of doing the minimum and then withdrawing to my office and losing myself in the unimportant.

This is not the way I am supposed to live my life. This is not living life to the fullest. This is not being faithful with what God has given me. This is not what I want my legacy to be.

"This" is deeper than I can put into words right now. The impressions and feelings swirling around in my heart and my head. I am still trying to sort out what and how I can correct this pattern. I have many tools within my reach. Many options for living life different. But, I find my complacency somehow comfortable. Like a little cave I can crawl into and hide.

I think I am struggling with why I feel the desire to hide. Is it laziness? Is it apathy? It definitely selfishness. I feel like I am seeking protection. But protection from what?

In the meantime, I have responsibilities. I have people who need more than I am giving.

Father, help me to rise above this; whatever this is. Give me the desire, the energy and the wisdom to do what needs to be done. Help me to do it with a content and sincere heart. Help me to live my life in a way that will glorify you.

MOTHERS Act (My Postpartum Story)

2007-10-23T14:03:00.000-07:00

I suffered from postpartum depression after youngest was born. Early on it probably could have been diagnosed as postpartum psychosis. By the time youngest was 4 weeks old I didn't feel like I could handle life. I didn't want my children to grow up knowing that their mother abandoned them so I was going to take them out with me. I had a plan. It all made perfect sense.

Sitting in my room on my bed with my 4 week old nearby I was contemplating my plan. Running through it all in my head. Timing it so that I would be as merciful as possible but also would complete the job. I couldn't live the way I was. I didn't want them to live without me. I knew I couldn't live with what I was going to do so I had to be sure it would be over for all of us.

Sitting on my bed, clear as day I heard His voice. HE said, "This is a lie." Clear as day I saw the truth. I don't know how to explain it. One minute, what I was planning was the only thing that made sense. It seemed so true. The next minute I could see so clearly the lie that it was. Reality came through. All I could do was cry and put myself before God in awe that He would want to save me and thankful that He did.

The next few weeks were difficult but the lie never tricked me again. By 6 weeks I was able to kinda admit to people where I was at emotionally and talk through things. I was terrified at this point that if I was fully honest my children would be taken from me and I would lose all respect/ trust from my husband. By six months I still felt disconnected from life but I felt so much better and even said, "I suffered from postpartum depression." By 1 year I realized that even at 6 months I was still suffering from it, just not in the form of psychosis. By 2 years I hit a day where I thought to myself, "I remember you. This is what it's like to be me." It took 2 full years after youngest was born to feel like "myself," even though I hadn't realized how much of myself I had lost.

It is by the voice of God that I sit here 4 years later with healthy happy children and a wonderful marriage.

There is currently a bill before the Senate called the MOTHERS Act. I rarely support government involvement and dollars for anything, preferring it to come through the private sector but I think this is a good idea.

The Moms Opportunity to Access Help, Education, Research and Support for Postpartum Depression Act, or MOTHERS Act (S. 1375), will ensure that new mothers and their families are educated about postpartum depression, screened for symptoms and provided with essential services. In addition, it will increase research into the causes, diagnoses and treatments for postpartum depression. The bill is sponsored by Senators Menendez and Durbin.

Postpartum depression is a serious and disabling condition that affects up to 20 percent of new mothers -- as much as 800,000 American women each year. Yet only 15 percent of these women will receive any assessment or treatment. Let me repeat. With all we know and as smart as we are, only 15% of 800,000 women will get diagnosed and treated. That is so wrong on so many levels. Women are not being diagnosed because they're not being educated and they're not being screened. Untreated, the consequences of maternal mood disorders range from chronic, disabling depression to death. The impact of untreated maternal depression on infants/children ranges from behavioral and learning disabilities to depression and, in the worst case scenarios, death from infanticide.

Specifically, the MOTHERS Act will help new moms by:

Providing important education and screening on postpartum depression (PPD) that can lead to early identification and treatment. The legislation includes two grants to help health care providers educate, identify and treat PPD.
Expanding important research to improve and discover new treatments, diagnostic tools and educational materials for providers. Since the exact cause of PPD isn't known, research continues to be the key to unlocking the mystery of this condition.

The bill is currently with the Health, Education, Labor & Pensions (HELP) Committee of the Senate. If the majority of the HELP Committee members endorse the MOTHERS Act, the bill will move forward for consideration by the Senate. Without Senate sponsors, the bill could languish in committee and await reintroduction at a future date. The moms of America can't wait for that. Most Senators rarely hear from mothers (and others!), and phone calls from you and your readers will cause them to sit up and take notice on a specific issue. Writing or sending emails has much less impact.

Today, October 24, 2007 bloggers all over are joining in the call to call. Please take time right now to call your senator and ask them to support this bill. Below is a sample of what to say as well as phone numbers. It will take very little time to call. Please call. If I didn't include your state senator you can go here for a list of all the state senator offices: http://www.postpartum.net/take-action.html

Suggested Script: "Hello this is (your name) one of Senator (Senator's name) constituents from (your town). I am calling to ask the Senator to co-sponsor The MOTHERS Act bill number S. 1375, sponsored by Senator Menendez, which will provide funding for research, education, screening and treatment of postpartum depression."

Arkansas: Lincoln (D-AR) 202-224-4843Pryor (D-AR) 202-224-2353

California: Boxer (D-CA) 202-224-3553 - Thank you to Senator Barbara Boxer for signing on as a sponsor. Feinstein (D-CA) 202-224-3841

Montana: Baucus (D-MT) 202-224-2651Tester (D-MT) 202-224-2644

Pennsylvania: Casey (D-PA) 202-224-6324Specter (R-PA) 202-224-4254

Virginia: Warner (R-VA) 202-224-2023Webb (D-VA) 202-224-4024

Wisconsin: Feingold (D-WI) 202-224-5323Kohl (D-WI) 202-224-5653

Thank you to Katherine Stone of Postpartum Progress for her segment yesterday on The Morning Show with Mike and Julie, for her work in bringing awareness and support to this and for her wonderful blog site devoted to this subject.

Schooling boys

2007-10-23T11:07:00.000-07:00

Grammar: Gio is doing very well in grammar. He can take a sentence and identify the subject noun(SN), verb(V), adverb(ADV), adjective(ADJ), article adjective(A) and prepositional phrase(Prep Phrase aka prep (P) and object of the prep (OP) and all words in between.) We also started creating sentences using a word bank. He is given several words to choose from in each part-of-speech category. He has to use those words to put together a sentence. He doesn't always like the word options so when he is done with his required work he is allowed to pick his own words to create a sentence. Here is today's original creation following the given formula:

A ADJ ADJ SN V ADV Prep Phrase

A good focused soldier shot accurately from a plane.

History: This week we are learning about Ancient China. Today we learned that the Shang Dynasty lasted for 500 years beginning around 1766BCE. It is believed that the first Chinese writing, called pictograms, was developed during the Shang Dynasty. We looked at the pictograms for sun, waves, house, bow and arrow and soldier. Gio narrates back important facts in what I read to him from our text. Narration: "They ruled 500 years. They had bow and arrows, shields and armor." He was then assigned to choose 2 pictograms to copy. His choices:

and

Science: Most of this semester we have been focused on the Human Body. However, recently, Gio has developed an interest in Birds of Prey. We checked out a few books from the library and today read about Golden and Bald Eagles. The final part of the chapter discussed the status of Bald Eagles and how few are left. I explained "endangered species" and said that it is illegal to catch or kill a bald eagle. He was very sad that he can not have one as a pet (even after discussing the 8 foot nests, 3 inch beaks, 4 talons for tearing meat, the fact that they eat said meat and that they don't clean up after themselves; keeping rotting meat in their huge nests.) The conversation ended with the phrase, "No, you can not have a Bird of Prey."

I did however concede that if he is still interested once he is a teenager we'll discuss falconry.

Quote

2007-10-19T14:27:00.001-07:00

"If we let ourselves, we shall always be waiting for some distraction or other to end before we can really get down to our work. The only people who achieve much are those who want knowledge so badly that they seek it while the conditions are still unfavorable. Favorable conditions never come."

--C. S. Lewis, "Learning in War-Time", The Weight of Glory

Cancer Sucks

2007-10-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

My friend and cousin (through marriage), Andrea, had her mastectomy last Friday. I posted about her back in June. She has Imflammatory Breast Cancer and just went through a double mastectomy and an ooferectomy. She is 37, has 6 kids, a loving husband and a 1% chance of surving the next 10 years. Cancer sucks.

www.punkrockmommy.org/blog

Nerd Queen

2007-09-28T09:53:00.001-07:00

I knew it would be expensive to move but this is a bit much...

2007-09-19T19:39:00.001-07:00

When we moved we understood that we were moving to a more expensive area. We are paying far more for rent then we did for our house payment. Groceries cost more. Gas is not too different. But, these extraneous expenses of life are getting out of control.

The week that we moved the back windshield of the Pathfinder shattered. Not sure why. Someone suggested it was the very hot glass coming into contact with my cool 98.6 degree hand that caused it to burst and send shards of glass all around me. Whatever it was cost me a CHA-CHING- $500 deductible.

Then the car was stolen. As noted, it was recovered and is now in the shop; CHA-CHING- $500 deductible. As it turns out personal property is not covered under the auto insurance and CDs are not covered by the renters policy. Our deductible for the other items is, wait, can you guess... Yep $500. The camp chairs, tool kit and other misc items aren't worth even placing a claim on that but it will all be costly to replace (CHA-CHING).

Which leads us to tonight. My lovely children played outside for HOURS. They went outside at 11:30 am, came in for a 15 minute lunch break and headed back out until they were marched inside at 7pm. They had a grand time. One of the many games they played was to make a mine field of the patio using 1 inch diameter rocks from the side yard. It was covered. I said as long as they had it cleaned up by tomorrow I was fine with their game. However, if I had to clean up the rocks I would charge them for my time by taking back the $2 each I had paid them yesterday for picking up crab apples. They agreed.

Around 6:45pm they were tired of picking the rocks and decided instead to start throwing them. I had my first hint of their new activity when I heard a thud on the side of the house. I went to the slider and looked out just in time to see Youngest let loose a rock that hit right on target. Right smack in the middle of the sliding glass door. CRACK went the glass as two separate, lovely spider webs about 3.5 inches in diameter appeared before my very eyes. ZOOM went Youngest as he bolted screaming around the side of the house (apparently he noticed the look on my face).

I have no idea how much this will cost. Looking at how old this slider is (and how non-standard everything in the house is) we may have to replace the entire set. Oh my. What do you do with that? CHA-CHING!

Hello Car

2007-09-17T12:31:00.001-07:00

CHP found our car. It was about 10 miles away in Gun Point, er, I mean Bay Point.

We just got home from a morning of dealing with all the things that needed to be dealt with. The Police Department for a copy of the initial report; CHP for a copy of their report; the tow yard to claim the vehicle; AAA to get it towed to the Auto Body shop; the Auto Body Shop and finally home. Thankfully, hubby took the morning off to help deal with all of this.

The back window was jammed down; probably how they entered the vehicle. The steering column had wires ripped out and the unused security system (I forgot the car had one of those pull the plug and the car won't start thingies) was ripped out. The face plate on the CD player was gone but they were unsuccessful in actually pulling the player out. It is all scratched up from the attempt. The center console is loose as they didn't seem to figure out how to use the latch to open it and instead decided to use force. The front bumper was scraped up and the back bumper is hanging with a broken light. The battery was taken. It was cleaned out. Everything in the trunk, car, glove compartment, floor boards and center console is gone; minus the wind chimes we tossed in the trunk on our last trip to the Sac house. The interior was sprayed down with WD-40, which will apparently cover up any finger prints that may be left behind. (Mental note on that in the event that I choose to pursue a life of crime.)

So, the auto body shop is going to do a safety inspection and coordinate all necessary repairs. We are going to make a list of all that is missing. I completely spaced on the CD cases that were in the car. Chris' old one - will we ever find Stevie B "Party Your Body" again? As well as mine. Somehow I don't think they'll be particularly interested in Contemporary Christian, children's praise songs, Dean Martin and 7 different classical composers. Too bad they didn't take the time to peruse the CD's and only take what they wanted. The kids were happy to hear that one of their praise CD's was still in the CD player and the auto shop will attempt to recover it for them. They had been lamenting, song by song, the loss of the CD.

Insurance continues to be very helpful. So sad that we have the $500 deductible but that is less than we would have had to pay without comprehensive insurance.

Hip hip hooray that the car was found and appears to be fixable. How nice that our little car will receive an overhaul. Its like the car is having a spa day. Cleaned up, the kinks rubbed out, a holistic approach. Now I need to schedule a spa day for myself! Thanks to all for the notes of concern and encouragement.

Bye Bye Car

2007-09-12T11:17:00.000-07:00

Our car was stolen from in front of our house. Our 14 year old little white Altima that rocks on gas mileage. I hadn't been anywhere in two days. My neighbor came over for a visit yesterday and mentioned that she thought I was gone because she didn't see the car. I blew it off because from her house it is usually hidden by the Pathfinder. She visited for a couple of hours and then left to put her little ones down for a nap. She came back about an hour later to make sure I knew the car really wasn't there. I went outside to look and sure enough, no car. Just an empty space on the driveway.

We called the police. A very nice officer came and filed a report. We called the insurance company. I'm waiting to hear from the adjuster. The car seats were in the car so we can't go anywhere. It's okay. I don't need to go anywhere - except to buy new car seats.

I kept trying to figure out if maybe it wasn't stolen and I had just forgotten it somewhere. You know, you set the keys down and forget where you put them. Maybe I forgot and left the car at the store or something. Just blanked on the long walk home without the car.

I don't feel angry or violated. I am almost amused. Kind of a disbelief. Not an outraged "Why would anyone do this to us," but a "Why would anyone bother?" Yet, I am irritated at the inconvience. Now I have to deal with the police. Now I have to deal with the car insurance company. If we don't get the car back or it comes back destroyed we won't get enough for it to replace it with anything substantial and we can't afford a car payment. If we do get it back will it be just icky enough inside to be icky yet just okay enough to get nothing and be stuck with an icky car. Will the car seats be there and if they are will I trust using them to safely hold my children.

It's an old car but we know it well and we trust it. Now I'm just bugged. Ugg.

Epiphany for Today

2007-09-09T14:42:00.000-07:00

Acts 1:7 "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority."

I am in a settled place. We have settled into the house. We are settling into a schedule. Our family is finding a rhythm together. It is not the location that I would have it be in. It is not in the way I would have written out for us. But today I am understanding that it is because I am not the writer of my life.

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

I am called to be a tool of God to shape my children; to shape my husband; and to shape the legacy of our lineage - according to His purpose.

Father God, enable me to keep my heart and will in line with yours so that I can fulfill the call you have on my life without bitterness or selfishness creeping in.

I feel your call so heavily in my being right now. Let my mind be filled with your words and my spirit be filled with your Holy Spirit that my words and actions would pour forth from your will into the lives around me.

I am humbled that you would use me. A broken and imperfect tool. That I would be useful to you in your plan set forth by your authority.

How awesome and great are you God.

The name above all names.

You are worthy of all praise.

My heart will sing, "How great is my God."

Chocolate Chip Pancakes

2007-08-30T17:23:00.000-07:00

I make pancakes in large batches and freeze them for breakfasts (whole wheat served with sugar-free syrup). A few weeks ago at Youngest's birthday celebration with hubby's family Great Uncle Bill asked the boys if they had ever had chocolate chip pancakes. With a naughty twinkle in his eye he encouraged the boys to be sure I made them some. The boys have been pestering me ever since that evil sugar filled idea was planted in their heads.

Today while making a triple batch I was thinking about how nicely the two have been playing together the last couple of days so as a treat I added chocolate chips to the last 1 1/2 cups of batter. (Fortunately the 1/3 cup of chips in the back of the pantry from Christmas 2 years ago didn't look too old.) The boys were thrilled and the pancakes were a yummy treat. I suppose I will forgive Uncle Bill this time but if a sugar high kicks in we're shipping them to his doorstep in Santa Rosa!

Dogs

2007-08-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

I have tried very hard to try to encourage the boys to not be afraid of dogs. Youngest really likes them and will go up to a dog that is with it's owner and pet it. Oldest will back peddle or hide. Today in grammar I asked them to give me some verbs that would go with the word Dog. Here is what Oldest came up with...

scratch
jump
destroy
kill

Perhaps I am failing in my attempts at portraying dogs as safe to be around...

The Chief End of Man

2007-08-26T09:39:00.000-07:00

Q: What is the Chief End of Man?
A: To glorify God and enjoy him forever.

Question 1 of the Westminster Shorter Catechism. The boys and I went over this today. I don't plan on finding a church anytime soon. I hear the collective Christian gasp. We start bible study on Wednesday, September 5. I am so glad. CBS is a very good in depth bible study. I receive my teaching and fellowship and support. The kids program is outstanding and is very effective so my children will also be receiving biblical teaching as well as receiving the ever popular "socialization". On Sundays I will be leading them through the Catechism and we will review the Q&A each day during our devotion time.

I am so satisfied with this particular point of the catechism. It speaks to me in a profound way and I am left saying, "Yes!" The Chief End of Man - to glorify God and enjoy him forever. It is not about me. It is not about mankind. It is all about God. Now stemming from that is our responsibility towards others. Love your neighbor as yourself and all the implications of that but that is another blog post or two. But, as stated in the Catechism guide "the true view of Christian discipleship is that which sees the whole life as that to be consciously lived unto the honor of god and in the service of his name."

This morning Lord, and everyday of my and my children's lives, may you be given honor and praise.

How Great is Our God by Chris Tomlin

The splendor of the King, clothed in majesty,
Let all the earth rejoice, all the earth rejoice.
He wraps Himself in light, and darkness tries to hide,
And trembles at his voice, trembles at his voice.

Chorus:
How great is our God, sing with me,
How great is our God, all will see,
How great, how great is our God.

Verse 2:
Age to age He stands, and time is in His hands,
Beginning and the end, beginning and the end.
The Godhead, three in one: Father, Spirit, Son,
The Lion and the Lamb, the Lion and the Lamb.

Bridge:
Name above all names,
Worthy of all praise,
My heart will sing
How great is our God.

Math for Star Wars fans

2007-08-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

Note: Littlest is now 4 and FINALLY potty trained so I will hereby refer to the children as Oldest and Youngest rather than Biggest and Littlest.

We started school last week. The math program we are using is a bit different than the standard school program in that it teaches to mastery at each step before moving on (as opposed to the spiral method). We have entered the tedious phase known as Addition Math Facts. This weeks lesson is the +2 facts and for some reason we are stuck on 2+3/ 3+2 and 2+4/ 4+2. 2+9 and 2+7? No problem the answers come flying out of his mouth. But 2+3 and 2+4 still require fingers or blocks. In an effort to keep this from being too painful for either of us I have been exploring various methods of memorization and review. We play flash card games, do worksheets, sing songs and do oral and online drill. I am also finding that using the different visual/oral formats is cementing the facts in memory as actual (searching for the word) computation rather than a visual recall of what the picture on the flash card means (does that makes sense?)

This morning I tried a new flash card game called Train. You place 10 cards in a row. The first card is the starting point; the last card is the end station. Beginning at the starting point, the child says aloud the answer to each fact. If correct, he continues to travel. If wrong he has to look at the answer, repeat the problem and answer and then go back to the starting point and begin his trip again.

I sat down and explained the game. I pulled out a Thomas the Tank Engine wooden train that we could use for our journey across the "tracks". I gleefully made the "whoo whoo" sound and pointed out in a very Thomas voice that "I am a very useful engine." Oldest was less than pleased. Apparently, being beyond Thomas, he had other ideas. Instead he pulled out his Star Wars Legos Boga Lizard (Episode 3) and made the "Lelelelele" sound (hmmm, a little like his mommy). His game was to leap from card to card on the lava planet of Mustafar without falling in and being burned to a crisp.(mommy defensive note: he has NOT seen episode 3 but has heard enough of the story to know about Mustafar and the lava.)

We had a great time. Unfortunately poor Boga Lizard got a bit singed whenever we hit 2+3 & 2+4 but at least Math Facts for today were a little more fun!

"Laissez-Faire Mom"

2007-08-16T11:57:00.000-07:00

What Kind of Mom are You quiz results:

"Laissez-Faire Mom"
The results of The Balancing Act indicate that you are an "Laissez-Faire Mom." You are the type of mom that chooses to let your children do their own thing and make their own mistakes. You want your children to be independent, and feel that you shouldn't have an active role in the decisions and choices your children make. You like for them to choose and plan their own activities. You monitor their choice of TV shows, friends, and extracurricular activities, but you also give you them the leeway to choose what they enjoy. You love to spend time with your children, and your children love all of the fun you have together! However, you like to have time for yourself to just relax and do things that are important to you. You don't like to follow schedules or expect your child to either. You just let things happen, as they will. There's nothing wrong with being flexible!

Your children are a very important part of your life. You are the type of Mom that regardless of whether or not you currently work, you would probably rather be home and a homemaker. You would be happiest being flexible with your activities, spending time with your children, and nurturing yourself and your family.

However, living a carefree and schedule free life can have some negative consequences. Some children do not thrive well if they are not on a stringent schedule. If you have adopted this style of mothering, it is important that you are in tune with your children so you can recognize their dissatisfaction with it. Also, being flexible lends itself to time management problems. If you are too flexible, you often to not get everything you need done, which can stress you out and leave you frazzled. A stressed and frazzled mom is a grouchy one, which can alienate your child. Therefore, it is important to balance your flexibility with practicality.

Children of "Lazziez-Faire" Moms are often very creative and secure. They are not afraid to take risks or to be independent. They often get excellent grades in school because mom is always there to encourage them to do their best and follow their dreams. Most importantly, this mom is secure enough to let her children be their own person, and that is the greatest reward of all.

A House Is Not A Home

2007-06-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

The movers come in two days.

We are moving closer to hubby's work... We almost sold the house but for several reasons decided against it. We are renting it out and renting a place in Concord.

I am so sad. I love my house. I love my neighborhood. I love living so close to my family and close friends. I love my house.

I've been trying to figure out my attachment to this house. It's not like I haven't moved before. I have moved eight times that I recall. Apparently two other times that I was too young to remember.

I think this is the first place I have felt at home since I was 7. When I was seven we moved to a new house an hour from the old one. I felt very lonely. At the new house my parents divorced.

As part of the divorce agreement my parents sold the house and we moved with mom to a rental in the middle of nowhere. I felt lonely and out of place. I think I hid it well - generally a go-getter, but inside I was lonely and didn't feel like I fit in. I think that was why I tried so hard to make LOTS of friends and participate in activities, but I still didn't feel like I fit in.

At 15 we moved in with my dad. My dad was always my imaginary kinght in shining armor and I loved living with him. It also gave me a fresh start when I needed it. But, I was always very aware that he didn't ask us to live with him. It was necessity. And I was old enough to realize that my dad was not a knight.

I moved back in with my mom shortly after getting engaged to hubby. I bounced between her apartment and his. After the wedding I moved into hubby's little apartment. We lived there for about 6 months and then rented a furnished house from his parents.

My mother-in-law, who is a very dear friend, is the queen of clean. She also knew the right way for the house to be set up. She tried very hard to not intrude but she really couldn't help herself and usually didn't even realize what she was doing. It had been her house and her furniture for years and she was dealing with the loss of that while they lived on the road in a motor home for business purposes. I can't count the number of times she and I moved the kitchen table back and forth 2 inches over the seven years we lived there. She thought the middle of the table should line up off of the railing in the room. I liked it 2 inches to the right so it wasn't so close to the pantry. I think it took 5 years for me to finally get the nerve to ask her to stop moving it. She was embarrassed that she had never realized I had it where I wanted it.

Our marriage went through allot in that house. We did allot of growing up and growing apart and then together again. For years I had wanted to move to Sacramento to be closer to family and friends. Hubby finally consented and we went house hunting. We went through 7 houses before we found this one. After seeing 4 with a realtor we struck out with friends and literally found this house at the end of a rainbow. We added it to our realtor list the next day. It was the 4th house of the day and when we walked in we knew it was home. We made the offer, signed the papers and 2 weeks later closed escrow. I had my home. [Pause to cry.]

We've lived here seven years. Three months after moving in I was pregnant. It was so funny bringing biggest home from the hospital. We got home and then didn't know where to put him while we had dinner. We settled him on the bouncy seat and had Thai food while watching a movie. Littlest was born in the dining room. We had a planned home birth with a set of wonderful midwives. A friend of ours loves to point it out during dinner parties. We went through very good financial times and very bad financial times when the house equity was the tool God used to keep us afloat. Now we are moving.

Friends keep pointing out that "at least you are keeping the house", which is true. We may come back to it, we may not. But while I have been here I have felt safe. I have felt like I belong. I have been at home.

I am praying that God will help me feel at home in the house we are going to. I don't love the house. I don't love the neighborhood. I don't love the area. But I love my hubby and I miss him. I love my boys and they need to see more of their daddy. I love my God and I trust that he will work this together for good. I just want to be home.

Budding Songwriter

2007-06-19T14:42:00.000-07:00

This morning Littlest told me it was a day to sing to God. He sat on the floor with a piece of scratch paper in front of him, his ukulele in hand and an improvised pick and started to play and sing. I wrote as fast as I could to keep up with his songs:

Song for God

We love God because
he has more power than us.
We have no power
but he does.

He made the whole wold (world).
He has more power than us
He made the plants.

Song for Jesus

We love Jesus
and he's God
and it's right to trust God.

(Followed by a speaking part while he was strumming away but I couldn't keep up him)

God

We trust God because
he says he's with us in the dark.
If you get scared he'll come and bring his angels.
He'll come for us if we're scared in the dark.

Punk Rock Mommy

2007-06-11T13:55:00.000-07:00

I know, I know... I've been away for a long time. Theoretically in about 2 months I'll have time to start blogging again. In the meantime...

Andrea Collins Smith has been a tremendous blessing to our family.

She and hubby's cousin, Kelly, met over 3 years ago. Kelly is one of the sweetest guys I have ever met. But, he is not typical to our friends or family. His background is tough - not that that is atypical - and he has had trouble finding his place in this world. Andrea gave him that place. She also brought him to what none of the rest of us could... a relationship with Jesus Christ.

Andrea was an amazing single mother of 5. She and Kelly got married a couple of years ago and last October baby #6 arrived (2 weeks early at a petite 10 pounds - biggest baby in the NICU). Their family is wonderful. And from what I can tell, they are perfect for each other.

Last month Andrea was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC). At this point she is undergoing chemotherapy. She is facing a mastectomy and radiation after that. They are being hit hard. They are holding strong in their faith and each other.

A friend of theirs set up a blog for them to follow their journey through postings and pictures. If anyone still reads this blog and would like to know more of Kelly, Andrea and their journey through IBC they can do so at www.punkrockmommy.org.

Tossed by the waves (aka Double Minded)

2007-04-12T07:38:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago I was struggling. Our house is on the market. We are trying to move closer to hubby's work but I don't want to. Actually, I do want to. No, I don't want to... See what I mean. There is far more to the story but to get to the point of today's blog I was really fighting the sale of the house.

It was a gradual thing. When we put the house on the market I threw myself into the project with gusto. I packed up all the extraneous things around the house and moved them to storage. I cleaned walls, windows, floors, cabinets, etc. I manicured the lawn and spread new bark in the flower beds. I even pulled out the dreaded weed eater. I painted the entry way and the hallway (badly needed). I felt good.

Two weeks passed and two people came to see the house. I was devastated. Not that only two people came. I was devastated each time I though of someone else "taking my house". Then came the gradual decline. I started praying, "God, please give us wisdom. Show us if we should keep the house." I heard nothing back. Silence. "Oh God, please. Show us where you want us." Silence. This went on for the next two weeks.

Then came Friday. I was sitting in the living room looking at the wall that really needs a new coat of paint thinking, "I really need to get off my rear and paint that wall" and then I heard it. A little voice in the back of my mind saying, "I don't want to paint it (imagine the snottiest tone you ever heard in a child's voice). Then someone might buy it." Then I was thinking, "I really need to do yard work today. Tomorrow is going to be a good house hunting day. I need to get that done." And then Snotty Voice said, "I don't want to do yard work. If it looks nice someone will buy it." Then I threw a fit. I was so DONE with this. Why should I do yard work and paint for someone else particularly when I didn't even want to sell the house. So I threw myself down on the floor. "Oh God, I am in anguish. Please God, please, give us wisdom. I feel like I am being tossed by the waves." Nothing.

Tossed by the waves. That was exactly how I felt. I knew just where to find that in my bible so I pulled out my bible a flipped it open to James 1:2-8.

"2Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Yeah, okay , I want that - mature, complete, not lacking anything.

"5If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."

Yes, God, yes, give me wisdom."

"6But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

OUCH!It hit me right in the heart. Before we put the house on the market we prayed about it. We knew it was what we needed to do. I was being double minded. Because it wasn't want I wanted to do I "forgot" the peace we had about it and started begging for a different will from God. No wonder I was being tossed. I threw myself out of the calm waters and into the roaring ocean of doubt. I was double minded and unstable and "should not think he will receive anything from the Lord." Well, that would explain the silence.

I threw myself back down (yes, the drama) on my knees and asked God to forgive my double mindedness. I prayed for strength to do what I didn't want to do. God is so faithful. I was filled (after a bit more prayer) with so much peace. I got up, happy and glowing, and decided to go take a shower and move on with my day.

Then I heard HIM. Quietly, gently. "The yard work needs to be done today."

Me: "I'm going to go take a shower."
HIM: "You need to do the yard work."
Me: "Yeah, I should go take a shower."
HIM: "You are being rebellious. You need to do the yard work."
Me: "If I do the yard work, someone will buy the house."
Him: Silence.

Sorry God. I put on my work clothes and headed out side and had the most wonderful afternoon enjoying God's creation and being thankful for the time I have had in this house.

Two weeks later, we really don't think the house is going to sell. The market is bad and we're moving to a more expensive area so we can't drop on our price. We'll give it a little more time but for now we're working toward renting the house out and renting something near hubby's work. If the house sells, I'll be sad. If it doesn't I'll have a lot of work to do as a landlord. Whatever God has for us I am (gripping the arms of my chair) ready for. 1 Corinthians 10:31 "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God."

What Kind of Soul Are You?

2007-04-11T12:39:00.000-07:00

You Are a Newborn Soul

You are tolerant, accepting, and willing to give anyone a chance.On the flip side, you're easy to read and easily influenced by others.You have a fresh perspective on life, and you can be very creative.Noconformist and nontraditional, you've never met anyone who's like you.
Inventive and artistic, you like to be a trendsetter.You have an upbeat spirit and you like almost everything.You make friends easily and often have long standing friendships.Implusive and trusting, you fall in love a little too easily.
Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofsoulareyouquiz/">What Kind of Soul Are You?

Three Things

2007-04-03T08:44:00.000-07:00

Three Things about me you may not have known . . .

Three jobs I have had in my life:
1. Nanny
2. Stocked stores and arranged displays for Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream
3. Operations Manager for an Executive Suite

Three Places that I have lived:
1. Watsonville, CA
2. Columbus, GA
3. Bay Point, CA (lovingly referred to as Gun Point, CA)

Three TV shows I like to watch: (I didn't follow the rules at all)
1. CSI (the original) & NCIS
2. The Unit
3. Survivor, Amazing Race and American Idol (though the Pussycat Dolls is awfully funny)

Places I've been on holiday/vacation:
1. Puerto Vallarta, MX
2. Maui (pre-children)
3. Napa (pre-children)

Three of my favourite foods:
1. Italian Food
2. Mexican Food
3. Anything Hubby is cooking

Three places where I would rather be right now:
1. On a cruise
2. with my hubby
3. Getting a massage

Olive

2007-03-30T13:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't had time to read any blogs lately and so at lunch I started going down the list of my favorites. This was linked to off of one of the blogs. It is incredible. It is a 108 year old woman who with the help of "Mike" has started her own "blob". They have pictures and essentially Mike transcribes their conversations.

http://www.allaboutolive.com.au/

Psalm 71

2007-02-16T08:24:00.000-08:00

1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;

let me never be put to shame.
2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;

turn your ear to me and save me.
3 Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go;

give the command to save me,

for you are my rock and my fortress.

4 Deliver me, O my God,

from the hand of the wicked,

from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

5 For you have been my hope,

O Sovereign LORD,

my confidence since my youth.
6 From birth I have relied on you;

you brought me forth from my mother's womb.

I will ever praise you.
7 I have become like a portent to many,

but you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,

declaring your splendor all day long.

9 Do not cast me away when I am old;

do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
10 For my enemies speak against me;

those who wait to kill me conspire together.
11 They say, "God has forsaken him;

pursue him and seize him, for no one will rescue him."

12 Be not far from me, O God;

come quickly, O my God, to help me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;

may those who want to harm me

be covered with scorn and disgrace.

14 But as for me, I will always have hope;

I will praise you more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,

of your salvation all day long,

though I know not its measure.
16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts,

O Sovereign LORD;

I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,

and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
18 Even when I am old and gray,

do not forsake me, O God,

till I declare your power to the next generation,

your might to all who are to come.

19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,

you who have done great things.

Who, O God, is like you?
20 Though you have made me

see troubles, many and bitter,

you will restore my life again;

from the depths of the earth

you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor

and comfort me once again.

22 I will praise you with the harp

for your faithfulness, O my God;

I will sing praise to you with the lyre,

O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy

when I sing praise to you—

I, whom you have redeemed.
24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts

all day long,

for those who wanted to harm me

have been put to shame and confusion.

Take My Hand

2007-02-13T08:03:00.000-08:00

Life is crazy. It is up, it is down, it is so busy. This weekend I was working in the kitchen and I wanted to listen to music. On hand was my little radio with a tape deck so I went in search of a cassette. After a good hard look I came across several childrens books on tape so I kept looking. I finally dug out a tape from 1994, You by The Kry. I saw them in concert back then and fell in love with the music. I popped the tape in and when the song Take My Hand came on I felt like it was God speaking to me through their words.

Take My Hand (listen here)
I know there are times
your dreams turn to dust
you wonder as you cry
why it has to hurt so much
give Me all your sadness
someday you will know the reason why
with a child-like heart
simply put your hope in Me

Chorus:
take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on Me alone
don't you say why were the old days' better
just because you're scared of the unknown
take My hand and walk

don't live in the past
cause yesterday's gone
wishing memories would last
you're afraid to carry on
you don't know what's comin'
but you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
take you through the night
if you keep your eyes on Me

take My hand and walk where I lead
keep your eyes on me alone
don't you say why were the old days better
just because you're scared of the unknown

just like a child holding daddy's hand
don't let go of mine
you know you can't stand on your own

Repeat chorus
Hebrews 11

A Woman's Heart

2007-02-12T08:23:00.000-08:00

"A woman's heart is such a complex problem-the owner thereof is often most incompetent to find the solution of this puzzle." - Emmuska Orczy, The Scarlet Pimpernel

A Friend To My Husband

2006-12-14T03:57:00.000-08:00

I have been praying for years for my husband to find a friend. A friend like Jonathan was to David. Someone who understands him, encourages him and calls him to account when necessary.

Husband doesn't trust people and he really doesn't trust Christians. Explain it by pointing to many betrayals early in his life. A child's perception of betrayal towards his parents; being surrounded by legalism and hypocrisy during "formative years"; teased by classmates and ostricized by friends when pulled out and home schooled. One could also chalk it up to his inate nature. He has always been very private and cerebral. He enjoys secrets and observation. He'll do well in his new job.

I, on the other hand, trust everyone. I enjoy people. I love to share with them. To know them and be known. I have many acquaintances and a couple of very close friends. My heart is an open book. I find comfort and peace in friendship.

Husband stays away from church. He prefers to stand before the Lord alone. He refuses to go to bible study. He would rather hang out in a bar with coworkers and watch people than go to game night with friends of 15 years. I love church. I love to worship with fellow believers - my snippit of what is to come. I love to go to bible study and glean from and be sharpened by others. I would much rather go to game night!

My concern for husband is that when you are walking alone is is easy to step off on a tangent. So I have been praying that he would find a friend. I have prayed for years for that friend. As we prepare to move into a new home, in a new area, with a new job and no church home I have become more frantic in my prayers.

This morning I woke up at 5am and was unable to go back to sleep. I tossed and turned while sending up random prayers and more and more my thoughts became frantic over what is to come. At 6am I finally got up and got my bible and started to read. While headed to the Psalms I felt drawn to the most peculiar book and while I didn't understand why I was there I felt compelled to keep reading. While I read I prayed, "Lord, I know you have me here... help me to understand what you have for me in this." I read about men who seemed to understand God's nature and seemed right in what they were saying and yet God said, "I am angry with you and your two friends, because you you have not spoken of me what is right,". They did not have God's understanding, nor did they seek it. God also said, "Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge?" Oh, I read and read so much I cannot put the the fullness of it here. But what came into my mind over and over was Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD."

I continued to read into the Psalms and continued to pray for my husband. Over and over I wanted to send a message to a friend that I thought might have wisdom for me, or even take care of it for me. Over and over God said, "No."

"But God, what do I do? He needs a friend. This would have to be such an extraordinary friend that he would trust him. That he would open up to him. That he may even receive healing through him."

"I have given him you to be his friend."

"What????"

And then it hit me. Husband trusts me. He trusts me like he has never trusted anyone else.

"But, I am a woman. I am his wife."

"Yes."

The enormity of this responsibility almost overwhelmed me. I am his friend. We've been together for 16 years, but this is a level of friendship beyond enoying his company and doing things together. Being a wife beyond making honey-do lists and seeking help with the kids. This entails understanding and not nagging. Praying and listening for that response. Being the prayer partner and staying accountable to the Lord so that I can help hold him accountable to the Lord. Not nagging, not pestering, not self seeking. All the qualities I had hoped someone else would offer God is asking me to offer.

"Lord, I can not do this on my own. Help me to seek you in every step. Let your words be the words I speak. In love and not in judgement. Help me to navigate through these waters as this new aspect of our relationship comes together."

I can see how our time here away from family and friends has prepared me for this. I can see very clearly how our move in California will make way for this. I am trusting that God will work this out. That he will guide me in the balance of this new role and yet keep me from taking the weight of things that are not mine onto my shoulders. That he will continue to open husbands heart to me and that we will worship the Lord our God together. This is what I truly desire... to stand before the Lord together, as friends, as husband and wife, as one.

I forgot to breathe. Again.

2006-12-11T08:57:00.000-08:00

Uggg. Apparently I haven't been breathing again.

I noticed a few weeks ago that my heart rate has been on the rise. I cut back my coffee and started making it half-caf. That helped for a while. This weekend I started feeling a little shaky. This morning I got out of bed a felt a little light headed. I started paying closer attention to my breathing and sure enough I have relapsed into rapid shallow breathing and periodically holding my breath. Grrr. I've been breathing normally for the last 5 months. Things around here are getting hectic and emotional and now I'm not breathing. I knew I had a lot on my mind. Apparently I can't think and breathe at the same time. Back to remedial breathing for me....

Bedtime Prayers

2006-12-04T08:59:00.000-08:00

Littlest: "God, I have a Little People one of you. I played with you today, God. Amen. "

Word of God Speak

2006-11-13T08:05:00.000-08:00

I have been swamped over the last week. I have been busy acting as an assistant for my hubby's health insurance business that I will be taking over as soon as I get back to California and get my insurance license. I have been schooling my kindergartner - wow, he is smart! I have been teaching little ones at bible study. I've been grocery shopping, to the post office, and in search of inexpensive new pants for Biggest who has shot up about 3 inches since leaving California in August. Hubby got hurt in training last week so I was worried about him. I have also been very preoccupied with finances and the dreaded move to the Bay Area. All of this has left me dry. My computer time has been work and I have not had a desire to read the usual blogs or post. Until today.

I was sending a friend a link to our Sac church website. On the site there is a link to Mike's blog so I though I'd see what he was up to. There is a point in his current post where he quoted a challenge to stop and write a six line poem. I took that challenge and without thinking (which I have been doing too much of lately) poured this out:

When I am filled with grief

I am able to find relief

by sitting down in prayer

and finding my creator there.

He knows me as I am

and offers me his hand

to guide me through

the life I thought I knew

and then I am filled with peace.

Yes, very limerik like - I did have to fight the urge to start with "There once was a man from Natomas". But instead I started and then asked God what should come next. I truly felt alive and at peace in the few seconds it took to write it. What a lesson in the myriad of ways that God can speak to and through us if we only take the time to stop, listen (openly) and act. So, what does God want to say through you?

People

2006-10-31T12:28:00.000-08:00

I love people. I love to observe people. I love to talk to people. I love to be around people. I don't really like to chit chat with people. I love to KNOW people. I like to know all about them. I like to know who they are, where they've been and where they want to go. I love to share their hurts and their dreams. I love to laugh with them and cry with them. I just love people. The problem (well, maybe not a problem for them) is that I don't like to "intrude". I am very aware that all of this is none of my business. I don't like to press people. I will generally sit and smile at them and hope they open up. They usually won't. (Who would?) So I am always wondering, who is this person, where have they been, where do they want to go, what are their hopes and what are their dreams? Probably why I like reading blogs. I can intrude all I want - they put it out there.

Conversation with God

2006-10-31T12:07:00.000-08:00

Me: Wah, Wah, Wah.

Okay, so I didn't say "Wah" but it was about the same thing.

Me (tears streaming down my face): Father, I am not happy. I don't want to move to the Bay Area. I don't want to live so far from my family and friends. It is so expensive there. I don't want to deal with renting out the hou-

At this point I was overwhelmed by shame. I literally had to turn my head to the side. God didn't fill me with shame but more flooded past me all the blessings he has given me. Who am I to complain about not getting my way when I have SO much.

"Do you trust me?"

Oh no. Not that question.

Me: "Of course I trust you, but God-"

"Do you trust me?"

Me (squirming): "I trust you to do what is in your plan. I trust that you're not leaving me alone. I trust that-"

"Do you trust me with your life?"

Me (trying to figure out a way out of this one...): "But I just don't see why-"

"Do you trust me with your life?"

Eternal feeling 2 minute pause.

Me (very submissively): "Yes."

Peace washing over me.

"Then let me do it."

What Part of Fall are You?

2006-10-31T12:02:00.000-08:00

You Are Warm Nights by the Fire

Peaceful and romantic. The best part of fall.

What Part of Fall Are You?

Morning Prayers

2006-10-30T06:29:00.000-08:00

We start each day with a devotion and prayers. We then do school which ends in a fun game of Uno. Here is how today's morning prayers went:

Littlest: "Jesus, I got food. Help me to not break the curtains. Amen."

Biggest: "Dear Jesus, Help my sick to go away; please, please, please. Help me very much to win lots of Unos. Amen"

And everybody said, "AMEN."

On another note- Potty Training

2006-10-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

I am pretty relaxed when it comes to potty training. As a SAHM I figured I'll either be training me to take them on time or I'll wait until they can do it on their own without prompting and accidents. I trust my memory about as much as I trust a young 3 year old boy's bladder.

When Biggest was 2 he expressed interest in the potty for about 2 weeks. It was very exciting and I ran out and got the potty training how-to books and the potty chair and we made a potty train for reward stickers. Then he lost interest and I relaxed and began to wait for the interest to arise again. By the time he was 3 and a half I could tell he was definitely in control of his bodily functions. I started to bring up the subject but he still was not interested in the least. However, he hated being changed so I reminded him that the sooner he started using the potty the sooner he would not have to submit to diaper changes. We tried pull ups but as he would use them like a diaper - without caring whether or not he had gone I figured it was pointless to spend the extra money on them. We tried the "feel and learn" diapers that hold the wetness closer to the skin so that he might be uncomfortable enough to want to train. It gave his sensitive skin the worst case of diaper rash I have ever seen.

We were one month away from his fourth birthday when I decided enough was enough. I knew he had the body control and something he said made me realize he knew it too. We went down to the store and he picked out 2 packs of very cool underwear.

The next morning I took him in to the bathroom, took off his diaper and put him on the toilet. Before I horrify you with what took place next let me say that this has always been my "strong willed child". He will fight me on anything for the sake of winning. From eighteen months until recently, everything was a fight (although the fight still crops up periodically). If I said to do it, he said no. Even if it was something he wanted. He wanted control over his own little life. Even giving him control over small areas of his own things made him a tyrant in all other areas. I have always reminded myself that these qualities will one day make him a good leader, if we stay the course and train him properly now...

So, back the bathroom... I took off his diaper and told him it was time to potty train. I told him that when he was done on the potty he could put on his underwear and we would do this together. I would set the timer and help him remember to try to go periodically. I reassured him that I knew he could do it and that even if there were accidents it was okay, we had lots of new underwear and it wouldn't take long to learn. He was furious. Sitting on the potty he demanded his diaper. I, very cheerfully, told him that he was a big boy and that he didn't need his diaper. He threw the underwear out of the bathroom while yelling, "Bad underwear". I handed him the underwear back and admonished him that the underwear was not bad and that he needed to at least give it a try. He threw the underwear again and again yelled at it. I calmly told him that as he did not need diapers anymore his choices were to sit on the potty all day, run around naked or to put on the underwear and go about his day. I then told him to think about it and let me know what he wanted to do. I then turned around and walked out of the bathroom.

He sat on the toilet yelling and screaming, "Bad Underwear, Bad Mommy!" After 45 minutes of yelling he said, "Okay Mommy, I'll wear my underwear now." Poor little guy couldn't walk right away. His legs were asleep from sitting so long on the potty. I cheerfully came in (without mentioning the rantings of the previous 45 minutes) and helped him put his underwear on. We exclaimed all about how neat they were and what a good job he had done picking them out. I reminded him that if he felt the need to pee to let me know and we would run to the potty together. He didn’t need my help at all. He kept that underwear dry all day and used the potty whenever he needed to, on his own. I was so proud of him. That night we put the diaper back on and discussed how it was only for nighttime and that the next day he could wear his underwear again.

The next morning we went back to the bathroom and he sat on the potty. I brought him his underwear and it started all over again. This time he screamed, ranted and raved, "Bad Underwear, Bad Mommy" for 30 minutes. The next day it took 15 minutes. By the 4th day he got up and put his underwear on with no problem at all. Within two weeks he was also in underwear at night and my boy NEVER had an accident. Not one.

This is on my mind as Littlest is quickly approaching 3 1/2. He is showing the same signs of readiness. We're not pushing too much as we still have a long drive to California ahead of us in 8 weeks but I know once we are home the training will begin. Fortunately, Littlest has never been as argumentative as Biggest. Hopefully it won't be quite the battle, but I am ready.

Three Hairs

2006-10-23T14:47:00.000-07:00

I received this via e-mail today and considering I just posted about my "noticeably thinning hair" I had to put this here!

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "Well", she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. "H-M-M-M", she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. "Well", she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything. As the saying goes: "The kind of life you will have isn't determined by what happens to you, it's determined by your reaction to what happens to you."

Happy (almost) Birthday to Me!

2006-10-23T10:55:00.000-07:00

I will be 32 this week. Wow, I am young. Well, I am aren't I. Of course I am. But wait... What is happening to my body? The betrayal has begun. I had to buy reading glasses (gasp)! At my last hair appointment the lady recommended a new shampoo for "noticeably thinning" hair. What!! And said hair, that I have been growing the color out of has decided to sprout a few more grays!

And so what will I do. Buy a walker... get a few cats... take up knitting...

Heck no! I am working out! I will go in for a prescription with cute frames! I will get a stylish haircut until it is all gone and then buy some hot wigs (move over Sydney Bristow)! I love being Thirtysomething. Life is good and I am young. Even better, I am more confident than I was in my twentys.

And when I am old I shall wear purple polyester... but that won't be for a very long time :-)

Ratted Out (aka "Hi Mom")

2006-10-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

I've been ratted out... SOMEONE mentioned to my mom that I have a blog. She asked if she could read it. All morning I have been wrestling with that. Why? For silly reasons. Mostly because of my recent Remembering series. My blog isn't private. If it was you wouldn't be reading it ;-) Still, I have always wanted to protect my mom from anything unpleasant. Mom, like me is a very empathetic person. To read the trials, struggles and mistakes of her daughter... well, I want to protect her from that. I am pretty open with my mom. She hears it all, well most of it. But, the thought of her reading it here... should be no different. And so, without further ado: Mom, welcome to my blog. A place to ramble, think, remember, whine, complain and move on. Take it for what it is... me and my thoughts, perceptions and dreams. Don't look at things as a reflection of you, you did a good job (if I may say so myself) and you are one of my closest friends. Enjoy my days!

Remembering - Part 4 (The end/beginning)

2006-10-09T17:48:00.000-07:00

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." Deuteronomy 8:2

The summer before high school I didn't see my friends very much. We lived pretty far out of town and it was difficult to get a ride. Of course, the few times we got together we caused trouble. We would drink, smoke, hook up with boys, and lie to our parents about where we were and who we were with. Amazingly I only got caught once. Overall, I was starting to feel more and more uncomfortable with the things we were doing.

While I struggled with this I talked to my youth pastor. He pointed me to scripture and taught me how to read it and apply it. Psalm 55 became the verse I meditated on as I felt myself pulling farther away from my friends.

I started my freshmen year with a new hope. I was a pretty good student and was determined to make the most of my high school years. My friends did too but not quite in the same way. Watsonville High School had 2800 students that year. 900 were incoming freshmen. Our feeder school, by far the lowest income/ socio-economic level, transferred in only 150 of those students. Many got lost in the shuffle. WHS has an open campus before school and during lunch. This was a tremendous amount of freedom for kids who just want to have fun.

I started hanging out with my friends only on weekends. I stopped drinking and started taking care of everyone when they got drunk. J and I broke up because even though we now went to the same school he would never see me. I went out with a few other guys but they truly only wanted one thing. The last party I attended drew the final line between me and my friends. It was a Saturday night. Mom only agreed to let me go to A's house if everyone agreed to join us for church the next day. 5 of us went to A's boyfriend's house for a party. I found some people to talk to but was bored stiff. I went looking for my friends and found D stumbling drunk and about to get into a car with 3 guys we didn't know, M was in a room smoking coco-puffs (cocaine laced cigarettes), A was having sex with her boyfriend and I found F in a room with a guy on top of her - she was trying to push him off but was so drunk she was having little luck. I pulled him off and threw him out of the room, piled all my friends on the bed together and called A's brother to come pick us up. He showed up two hours later and found us in the room I was guarding everyone in. I was so scared and angry I was shaking. This party was not our usual crowd and most were not happy at my "interference." I was never invited again and I never wanted to be.

That winter my sister got engaged, our church split and the youth pastor left the church. I was estranged from my friends, my mom was very distracted by the church split and a family situation that had come up, my sister was very distracted by her new fiance and I felt very alone.

One night I was feeling particularly distraught. My mom was at bible study and I was home alone with my younger brother. He was in his room and I sat on the kitchen floor and cried like I hadn't cried since my dad left my mom. I cried out to God, "I need you but I don't know how to get to you." At that point God gave me a vision. He was standing on one side of a great chasm, I was standing on the other. He said, "I am right here." I cried and said, "But I have no one to help me get to you." He said, "You don't need anyone. I am right here." At that point I realized that there was a bridge between us. I walked across that bridge and I have never again felt completely alone.

I really don't remember much else from that year of high school. I saw my friends periodically but only for more standard sleepovers. I plowed my way through school but mostly spent alot of time reading my bible and praying.

In October of the following year there was a very large earthquake on the San Andreas fault. Our landlords were divorcing and we were preparing to move. The house we were moving to was destroyed in the earthquake. My brother and I moved in with my dad. Changing high schools was like a gift. I was able to make a clean (without guilt) break from Watsonville and start over with new friends, new activities, new choices. I was involved with every club and activity my schedule could handle. I made friends with active people who actually tried to get good grades! I didn't date at all. Well, for about 6 months... but then I met hubby.

My "youth" doesn't feel like a lifetime ago. Remembering is more like watching a movie of someone else's life. So much happened in a few years that it is hard to believe it really was so few years. In my late teens and early twentys I was often told that I seemed much older than I was. I see now God truly led me through a desert. He was right there with me but allowed me to see what was inside me; to humble me, to show me what was in my heart and to allow me to make the choice to follow him completely.

"You may say to yourself, "My power and the strength of my hands have produced this wealth for me." But remember the LORD your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your forefathers, as it is today." Deuteronomy 8:17-18

Remembering - Part 3

2006-10-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." Deuteronomy 8:2

After the excitement, and loneliness of elementary school, what would Junior High bring? More internal loneliness and efforts to be cool. The friend hopping continued. I was a good student and found that was a good way to be accepted and liked by the teachers. I participated in every sport (although I was terrible at all of them) and then there were boys...

I had a crush on one boy after another. Many of my friends found boyfriends and I was devastated that no boys seemed to like me. So, I enjoyed befriending everyone's boyfriends. As you can imagine this did not make me very popular among the girls but as these friendships remained platonic I was able to justify myself by saying they were just being silly.

In the meantime, I found myself really wanting to know more about God. I had a little pocket New Testament Bible that my parents gave me one Christmas. I started reading it and would borrow my mom's christian music albums to play on my record player. I said my prayers every night and had a confidence that they were heard and that God is in control of our lives. This isolated me internally from my friends because none of them were Christian. Outwardly I never said anything.

During most of 7th grade my friends and I were fairly well behaved. We swiped a few cigarettes and snuck out a few times at night but we never went farther than the driveway to sit and talk about boys and school.

The weekend after the last day of school there was a block party near my friend A's house. Her mom was a single mom who worked nights so 4 of us stayed the night (Mom never knew her mom was never home when I stayed over) and walked over to the party. The parents of the party host were out of town. They would periodically go to visit their family in Mexico and leave their oldest son (15 at the time) in charge. There was a keg and music and boys. I was 12 and received my first kiss alone in a room with a very cute 15 year old boy. Within 15 minutes he very angrily threw me out of the room when he realized I had no intentions of going further than kissing. I was angry and embarrased. I couldn't find my friends and knew no one else at the party. I went to the side of the house, sat down and cried. I was found there by a boy 1 year ahead of me in school. He sat down and talked to me. We talked for quite awhile and ended up kissing. I thought he really liked me. After that he never spoke to me again. We walked home late that night. The next day the 15 year old came by and apologized. According to him he was drunk at the time. I found out after he left that A had lost her virginity to him the year before, when she was eleven.

That summer we started going to church and I was baptized. I remember feeling so clean after coming out of the baptismal. The little church we attended had a great youth pastor who started to teach us very practical lessons about who God is and what the Bible says. I started to assimilate this information into my mind but wasn't quite ready to be different from my friends. While I took many of them to church with me, none took it seriously. It was just a fun place to go on youth nights. And there were boys there. In fact, that is where I met my first boyfriend.

J was 1 year older than me (I was now 13) and he was in high school. He was sweet and shy and pretty quiet. Most of our relationship was over the phone and when his little sister wasn't around he was pretty open. He happened to be the brother of the block party host and since he lived close to A we saw each other without adult supervision, unbeknownst to my mom. I never let him get farther than kissing and petting outside the clothes. This was frustrating for him as my friends were pretty regularly having sex with their boyfriends.

I spent the night fairly frequently with A. When we weren't at her mom's house we were at her dad's. That was my first experience with both tequila and peach schnapps. Her dad would buy it for us and even taught us some drinking games (I was actually pretty good at Quarters). Believe it or not I had the reputation for being the good girl. Most of my friends were sleeping around and experimenting with drugs. And all before entering High School.

Remembering - Part 2

2006-10-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

"Remember the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands." Deuteronomy 8:2

About a year after I accepted the Lord my parents separated and divorced. My mom, who had been a stay at home mom, had to find a job. My brother, sister and I went to after school care in a woman's home not far from our house. Six months later Mom and Dad sold the house as a part of the divorce settlement and by the end of that school year we had to move.

Mom found a house for rent in the middle of a 7 acre apricot orchard. The new house was in a different school district and we had to change schools. I was now in fifth grade and,
being determined to fit in, I made friends rather quickly. Looking back now I see I was looking to others for validation of my worth and so I friend hopped to strategically place myself in the "in" crowd. In my insecurity, I tended to break into pairs of girls in order to attempt to gain the title "best friend". It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized (that as a child) I did it intentionally. By sixth grade I was "in".

In was a lonely place to be. I hadn't made any close friends because everyone tended to friend hop. We did things to gether as a group but mostly things that were trouble. When I was eleven I shoplifted my first beer. My heart pounds even now as I thnk about it.

A group of five of us, led by a 13 year old (she was very grown up and had a 15 year old boyfriend), went to the local mini mart. We hid the beers under our shirts and nonchalantly strolled out. We walked down to the elementary school and sat in the sand box by the swings and drank the beers. I nursed mine - it tasted terrible. I was distinctly aware that not only was I wrong for 1) stealing and 2) drinking, I knew that Jesus was right there sitting with us. I couldn't wait for the whole thing to be over. But, not wanting to be "uncool", I stayed with the group.

With the same group of girls I smoked my first joint, saw a Hustler magazine and smoked my first cigarettes. All before Junior High.

Remembering

2006-10-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert those forty years..." Deuteronomy 8:2

Okay, so maybe it wasn't forty years for me but for some reason as I read those words memories came flooding in. At the same time certain words jumped out at me like bold print.

"the Lord your God led you all the way"... I was seven when I accepted the Lord (that being the Christianese phrase for saying that I believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God, crucified, buried and now alive; sacrificed to cover my sins (and yours) and that I chose to submit my life to his lordship and control). It is crazy to think now about the circumstances surrounding that day. I attended a public school in an agricultural area on the California coast. On Tuesday afternoons at 1pm (funny how much I remember) children whose parents had signed a permission slip were excused from class to attend catechism held just off school grounds. In an effort to not discriminate against protestants, the protestant children went to "religious release". I know, I know - unheard of. At the time I had no idea how unusual this was. Anyway, I wanted to go and my mom signed the permission slip. So, Tuesday afternoons I and about 30 other kids would actually walk across the field and out the back gate where an adult was waiting to escort us. The Catholic kids went to a beautiful house across the gravel road and the protestant kids went into a portable trailer along the fence. The trailer was rather dark and had many rows of benches. We were given a bible lesson (I don't remember any particulars about them) and we sang songs (I can still sing most of them) and one week the lady teaching the class had us bow our heads and close our eyes. We were to raise our hands if we wanted to ask Jesus into our hearts. I raised my hand. She then told everyone who raised their hand to pray along with her and I did. I was on the shy side and I don't remember if I ever even spoke to her about it. Toward the end of the year we had an ice cream party at the pretty house with the catholic group. The following year it wasn't offered. My family didn't attend church but I can definatively say that was where my personal relationship with God began. Perhaps in my next post I'll go further into the desert.

Fears and Tears

2006-09-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

Tommy's tears and Mary's fears
Will make them old before their years.
-Mother Goose

Survivor

2006-09-15T07:08:00.000-07:00

I am a Survivor fan. I have been since the show's beginning many seasons ago. Last night I watched the much talked about Survivor: Cook Islands premier. Much has been made of the fact that the producers started the show by separating tribes by race. It was great! The contestants themselves seemed to respond very well to the racial separations. It seemed to give them an instant bond and desire to "represent" their particular ethinic group.

Over and over the term social experiment was used. It is fascinating and will be fun to watch this season develop.

Move over Miss Nancy

2006-09-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

Wednesday morning was my first morning with my little "Green Lambs". I have prayed over the last week that God would fill me with an overwhelming love for my little assignments and a joy for the morning. God is faithful to provide us with all we need when he calls us to something.

As I reflect on the morning I can't help but laugh at myself. Imagine Miss Nancy of Romper Room with her high pitch whimsical voice: "Hi Nathan! I'm Miss Wendy! Here is the name tag that I made for you. This is YOUR name tag!" Good words, I forgot how much a 20 month old likes to call something "mine". "Let's do bubbles!" Another good one with little guys as they knocked each other over trying to catch bubbles. Next came story time, (to the tune of 10 little indians) "Who will come and sit on my blanket, who will come and sit on my blanket..." followed by "This story is from the Bible and it is true." (Oh, if only you could hear the sing song pitch.) Then came snack and craft (they LOVE stickers) followed by more wandering playtime.

Over all it went REALLy well. Time flew by and I enjoyed all the kids. Even Jonah, who spent the entire time wandering around with a constant whine/ cry. He was ticked about being there and unhappy with everything. Not crying enough to call his mom, just letting the world know he was NOT amused with the situation. One of my helpers commented on it and I realized it had become like white noise in the background. It really didn't even bother me. Now THAT is a God thing.

I can do this. 11 more weeks. I can do this. And, I believe, I will enjoy it. Who would have thought.

Note to Mike: Don't get too excited - Let's wait and see what God says before signing me up for a lifetime of nursery service!

"Me" Time

2006-09-11T09:22:00.001-07:00

Yesterday afternoon I was lying on the bed reading a magazine while hubby was on the computer. I was tired and not at all ready to take hubby back to his dorms and face another week of being alone with the boys. The article I was reading started with these words: "We all do it. We all run that mental race as we zoom through our day. What needs to be done next? Did I remember to defrost the chicken for dinner?" At this point I put the magazine down and went to the kitchen to pull the chicken out of the freezer. On my way back to the bedroom I changed a diaper and pulled a load of laundry out of the dryer, threw another one in and sat down to fold laundry. When that was done I went back to my magazine: "Stop right there! It's time to lighten up and give yourself a stress break. Come on, take a little mental holiday from all those to-do's." Good idea! I put littlest down for nap. Showered, grabbed my magazine, gave hubby and Biggest a kiss goodbye and went to Starbucks for an iced coffee, slice of pumpkin loaf and some "me" time. It was so nice. I sat at an outside table. It was 80 something with a nice breeze. I read about fashion, supermarket saves, and recipes. I drove home an hour later feeling like I had been out all day. I even noticed some flowers (lots of them actually) growing on the side of the road near our apartment that I hadn't seen before.

Laffy Taffy

2006-09-06T20:45:00.000-07:00

I love to serve women. Put me with a woman to talk to and encourage. Put me with a woman to counsel and pray with. Put me in a group of women to facilitate. Put me on stage and tell me to talk to them. I'll do it. Put me in a class with 10 children and tell me I have to stay there for 2 hours - shudder. What the heck was I thinking. I am really out of my comfort zone here.

Knowing God has put me here with a purpose I am trusting that he will equip me to stay and do a good job. I want to want to do this. I want to make these little ones (I got assigned 18 - 24 month olds) feel safe and secure. I want them to be entertained and distracted for 2 hours without mommy. I want them to hear about Jesus and have a positive association in their experience at CBS. I want the moms to feel secure leaving their children with me so that they can discuss the bible and learn and grow together.

At this point I am feeling a bit like Laffy Taffy. Stretched out and flopped over. I am certainly not able to do this on my own. But, "I can do all things throught Christ who gives me strength." (Phillipians 4:13)

The Blessing

2006-09-04T18:11:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday I returned the e-mail of the bible study coordinator. I told her I had no baby sitting available to me but that if anything changed to please let me know. I receive a message back letting me know that they were short children's leaders but they were praying that God would bring more before the study starts next week as they had already turned several women away.

Oh, the quandry. I could volunteer. It will require a two day committment. One day for Leaders Council and one for the study itself. My own children are driving me nuts, how can I deal with a room full for 2 hours once a week. Children's ministry has never been my "thing". But, I am desperate.

I e-mailed back. I let her know that I am available if they would accept me. I fessed up that I was a Core Group Leader (adult leader) for this same organization 2 years ago in CA. I was clear that I am only available until the end of December (the study goes until May) and I have never had experience teaching children before, but I am willing.

I had a call that evening from the Children's Director. They really need children's leaders. They maxed out their classes last year and have been praying all summer for new leaders. I again brought up that I would only be here until December and that I have no experience in Children's ministry (though I neglected to mention I generally RUN from the opportunity). She was good with all of that and even tried to sweeten the deal for me by giving me some choices in age groups. I talked with Hubby about it this weekend and prayed before making the final commitment. Here's what I got:

"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love. The entire law is summed up in a single command: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Galatians 5:13-14

So, I report for training tomorrow morning. God is so good. My days were stretching out before me after the decision to not go back to California to visit. Now my weeks will be very filled. I will have my study with the leaders, the boys have a class to be in and maybe now other women can come too. None of this would have been possible if I had to travel for two weeks in the middle of it. I'm sure glad HE knows more than I do.

Talking to God

2006-09-04T17:10:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday was a rough day. I had been to a home school group function, hoping to meet new people in the area and came away feeling lost in the group of 100+ home schoolers there. It was nice but chaotic and the few people I spoke to I lost track of in the crowd. The event was at a library so we got a card and some books before heading home. Littlest seemed to think he was in a play area and continually tried to run in circles around me. I say tried because I restrained him by squeezing his shoulder muscle enough to keep him in one place, albeit squealing the whole time. The car started making a funny noise on the way home and the boys talked incessantly.

Biggest has handled Hubby's absence during the week by becoming the man of the house. He's done this completely of his own volition and it is driving me nuts. He bosses Littlest around and tries to correct me when I have not acted according to his wishes. This is very much in his nature, he'll be a great leader someday- if I don't throttle him first.

Littlest has reacted by exploding. I can't think of a better way to describe it. He has become VERY physical. He is either tackling his brother or throwing toys at him. He is talking back and taking his own sweet time in everything he does. Not to do it more effectively but to control the situation. Now the little boy who has a great imagination and has always played well by himself is a disaster if someone (i.e. me or Biggest) isn't playing with him at all times.

So, back to Tuesday. We got home from our outing to find a note from the apartment maintenance department saying they couldn't find the problem with the refridgerator and to call if it happens again (it makes a horribly loud noise everytime the freezer cycles that wakes me up at least 3 times a night - we have finally stopped jumping when it cycles during the day) and a message from the local bible study that I was planning to join that said they don't have room in the children's program for the kids but that I can come by myself. Hello, I am new to the area and DONT HAVE ANYONE TO WATCH THE KIDS. I was also frustrated for the kids. We are travelling on the weekends and haven't planed to join any one church in particular. We have attended a study run by this organization in California for 5 years now and I know they have an excellent program for the kids. And I had just been thinking that in the smaller group setting of bible study I would have a more intimate group with which to socialize, as would the kids.

That night I got the kids to bed on time (7:55 p.m.) and had just sat down to watch the only new show on for the night when the phone rang. It was Hubby. He usually calls just after 7, just before bedtime stories. By the time he talked to both kids it was 8:15. Of course, he wanted to talk to me, which I was happy about, but the show... So, he told me about his day and when I told him about mine he interrupted to ask a question that I had just answered. It turned out he was doing his homework while I was talking and hadn't caught everything I had said. I restrained from throwing the phone and bursting into tears. He apologized. We finished talking and I got off the phone at 8:45. So much for Bones. (It's not an outstanding show but it was the only non-rerun of the night.) So much for vacation.

I went to bed. I was going to pick up Gulliver's Travels but decided to pick up Face to Face instead. I went through the days scriptures/ prayers and it was very centering. Good to get my mind off of me and onto something bigger. I then started the conversation.

Father, Thank you that I have the opportunity to be here with Hubby. Thank you that our apartment is so nice. Lord, I am thankful that I am here but I am sad. I am sad for the things I am missing in California. I want to go to Cathy's wedding. I want to go see my friends. I want to be in Scott's wedding and I want the boys to be in the wedding. I want to be apart of all the things I can't be apart of and it makes me sad.

You will be blessed by missing these things.

Thank you, Lord.

That's all I needed to hear.

Difficult Decisions

2006-08-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

What an emotional day I had yesterday.

Hubby came home and we ran errands most of the day, went on a tour of his building and dorms and took the boys swimming before dinner. He stayed until 11p.m. and then had to get back. The enormity of what he is training to do hit me like it hadn't before. I suppose I was equating it with his military training. Because he has always been a reservist (he joined the day before we met and left for Basic 2 weeks later) and for unknown reasons God has always kept him from deployments outside the U.S., his military trainings and duty have always been more of a hobby in my mind- even his service in Operation Enduring Freedom.

I don't know that I can even put yesterday's experience into words. Walking through the halls, seeing the artwork on the wall, the people in the hallways, the memorials everywhere you look. Discussing what we can about the subjects he's learning; the constitution, court cases, due process, use of force, protection. Seeing his room; a very old building with peeling paint and a funny smell. Tiny rooms, 2 people to a room plus their desks and wardrobes. 4 people to a tiny bathroom, again with peeling paint and a shower I wouldn't want to stand in. The building is very old but slowly being renovated. He just has the "privilege" of being there before the renovations are complete. I am starting to understand what it is to be a spouse to someone in law enforcement. It is not one weekend a month, two weeks a year. He has already been given his holster and magazine cases. He has been fitted for his body armor, both the under clothes one and the flack jacket. They are tailor made and will be ready in a few weeks. This is certainly a life changing/ life perspective changing experience.

The boys and I had been planning a trip back to California for 2 weeks in September for several big events. By yesterday it was too overwhelming and I cancelled the trip. The flight to California has a plane change, the flight home has 2. These I would have to make with two little boys and two car seats that I can't risk not making the change with the luggage (the boys or the car seats!). The return flight is a red eye so one of the changes would involve dragging sleeping children off the plane, with the car seats and waiting 3 hours in Atlanta for the connecting flight. There are no shuttles this far south of the airport and that leaves an hour long $75 taxi ride one way (followed by the 9 hour trip). Hubby can't make it back for his brother's wedding so we wouldn't see each other for nearly 3 weeks. During that time we find out where Hubby will first be assigned. He has numerous tests and his second fitness test the week following the wedding. I felt like I was forcing the travel plans because there are some really big things happening next month that I want to be apart of. But I realized that I am here because I am a part of Hubby's life and this is where I need to be. For him and for me.

My in-laws were disappointed when I called to tell them. Disappointed to the point of being angry. They thought we were being dramatic and that hubby was manipulating me. I was shocked at their lack of understanding and was in tears by the end of the conversation. I also called brother-in-law. He was very understanding of the situation, though I was almost in hysterics at this point. Biggest cried when I told him he won't be able to be a ring dragon (he didn't want to be a bear).

It wasn't an easy decision to make. I won't see Cathy get married; we've been friends for 17 years - she the last of us girls to get married. I'll miss Carissa, Jessica and Sandi's birthdays. I won't see Ruthie (but I pray she'll be home from Guatamala by then anyway). We won't get to play with everyone and ultimately we won't be a part of Scott (brother-in-law) and Megan's (best match for him there could ever be) wedding. We've known since Hubby started this process last winter that we would be gone by this fall. (In-laws neglected to check with us before scheduling the wedding and were unwilling to reschedule because they got a good price on the honeymoon cruise.) I am sorry for what we are missing but I know I made the decision that is right for our immediate family. Sometimes it is just tough to make the call.

DOGS!

2006-08-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

Our new apartment complex is doggy central. Roughly 80% of the residents have at least 1 dog. I do not happen to be fond of dogs. Surprisingly, I have had been very calm with these dogs. I have even enjoyed most of them. Virginia has very strict leash laws and we were assured by the manager that they are tough on offenders here. One warning and then the dog is out. Management keeps a picture of every dog on file and the owners have to submit immunization records as well. (Personally, I credit my lack of fear to some recent counseling I went through that seems to have removed my general fears and anxiety. Yay God!)

We have seen a few dogs off their leashes but only when playing ball or frisbee with their owners. When the owner sees someone in the distance they take hold of the dog and leash it right away. It has been fun to see the boys petting the dogs and interacting with them. We have all fallen in love with Roxie, an old black lab that lives on the first floor of our building.

Today, unfortunately, we had a frustrating experience. The boys and I were headed back from the pool. Littlest was about 25 feet in front of me, but easily in sight. (He's been very independent lately.) Biggest was about 3 feet behind me, always walking slow. Without any warning, two collie types, looking to be about 1 year old, came tearing out of the building we were passing and ran straight at Littlest. He screamed and bolted for me. I started yelling at the dogs and for Littlest to NOT run. The first dog was now in Littlest's face as he was hysterically screaming. I was rushing to him still yelling at him to not run from the dog. The second dog ran past me at Biggest who was now starting to scream and run after me. I'm yelling at both of them to calm down while the owner ran up and got ahold of both dogs the whole time telling me "Don't worry, they're friendly." For the most part I was very calm. I HONESTLY wasn't afraid of the dogs. The dogs obviously wanted to play with the kids. I was more concerned that the kids would freak out the dogs with their screaming and I want them to understand that you never run from a dog.

The dogs didn't bother me. I was very irritated with the owner. He never apologized. He rambled on about how it never occured to him that someone would be afraid of the dogs and that the reason he got the dogs was so that HIS children wouldn't have a fear of them. When I told him the boys were not used to being around dogs he had the nerve to suggest that I get a dog so the kids would be comfortable around them. He told the boys to not be afraid of the dogs because they were friendly. Easy for the owner to say. He knows his dogs and is taller them them by about 4 feet. The dogs faces were the same height as Littlest's. Poor little guy. As we walked away we talked about what happened. I reassured them that they were fine and that the dogs were nice. I told them that the man was sorry, to which Biggest pointed out that he didn't SAY sorry. I reminded them that he put the dogs on their leashes and how much we like dogs. For the next hour Littlest brought up the dogs and how they scared him. We talked some more about it and I tried to reassure him. He said he doesn't like Roxie anymore - she wasn't even involved.

It is so frustrating to not be able to protect your children from fears. There is nothing I can do to change what happened. We'll continue to go out and hopefully he won't hold onto this. He's a tough little guy and will hopefully forget about it by tomorrow. I have no plans to file a report with the management. I don't want the guy to lose his dogs but I sure hope he thinks twice next time before letting the dogs out of the apartment unleashed.

Vacationing in Virginia

2006-08-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

I am having a great time in Virginia. I am so relaxed. It is like a continual vacation. I admit I was very apprehensive about coming. I wasn't thrilled about leaving my comfort zone for 4 months of the unknown and single parenthood Monday through Friday. (We only see hubby on weekends.)

We get up early, have breakfast, do school, and play. We have a pool about 100 yards from our apartment and I am inadvertently getting quite the tan. The boys are becoming fish. Even Biggest (who is afraid of everything) is walking across the 3 ft section without holding the edge.

Our apartment is great. We have a 1 bedroom with a den. The den in our unit has a closet, a full bath and a door (apparently this is unsual). Our master bedroom is about the same size as our room at home AND has a walk in closet and attached bath! We have a washer and dryer in the unit, which I wasn't expecting. We are only 5 minutes from the grocery store, Wal-Mart, Starbucks, Target and anything else we could possibly need. It was a little nerve wracking picking an apartment site-unseen but when it came down to it we really only had one choice. I think God provided us with the best.

Yesterday we went to Fredericksburg for a field trip with a local home school support group. We saw the Triassic display at the Fredericksburg Museum and Cultural Center. I picked up some travel brochures and started mapping out a sight seeing trip. True to form I got a bit turned around on the way home. I only ended up 6 miles off course and was able to find my way again. We have made ourselves quite at home.

Poor hubby is working his tail off, but me... I'm loving my little vacation.

CA to VA

2006-08-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't been on in awhile. We had a scramble to get packed up and out the door to Virginia. Hubby is attending a school in Virgina for 18 weeks and we decided to keep the family together. Here was the planned travel schedule:

Saturday, August 12: Sacramento to Salt Lake City, UT - 668 miles: 9hrs 37mins (driving time)
Sunday, August 13: Salt Lake City, UT to Cheyenne, WY - 438 miles: 5h 59m
Monday, August 14: Cheyenne, WY to Omaha, NE - 496.9 miles: 6h 49m
Tuesday, August 15: Omaha, NE to South Bend, IN - 546.3 miles: 7h 45m
Wednesday, August 16: South Bend, IN to Hagerstown, MD - 541.5 miles: 7h 37m
Thursday, August 17: Hagerstown, MD to Stafford, VA - 106.3 miles: 1h 47m

Here was the actual:

Saturday, August 12: Sacramento (10:20 a.m. PDT) to Evanston, WY (2:55 a.m. MT)- 750 miles: By 11:15 a.m. Biggest asked how much longer to Virginia. By 12:50 p.m. Littlest was begging to go home. 5 stops - bathroom and gas and food. By Reno it was evident that I had a cold and Littlest was running a 101.5 temp. Got to UT only to find out that all (literally) hotels within a 150 mile radius of Salt Lake City were booked. There were car shows, conventions, concerts, a rodeo, all sorts of events going on. The closest hotel we could find was in WY and we got the last room in the place. Apparently it wasn't even supposed to be used because one of the beds was broken. I had to put the linens on it myself. The smoke detector was in pieces, nothing was connected and in the morning we realized there was no way to turn on the shower. The faucet handle was missing. They gave us a $10 discount so we only had to pay $55 for the room! Ah, but it was a room and we were exhausted.

Sunday, August 13: Evanston, WY (11:45 a.m.) to North Platte, NE (11:27 p.m)-512 miles: Had breakfast at a restaurant before pulling out. Littlest's fever gone. 2 bathroom stops and a dinner stop. Kids watched movies on the laptop and Hubby and I listened to The Great Gatsby on tape. As a family, we listened to My Father's Dragon - very cute little trilogy. By the time we reached North Platte I felt horrible. Full head cold.

Monday, August 14: North Platte, NE (12:30 p.m) to Davenport, IL (12:45 a.m.)- 607 miles: Had cereal in the hotel room and made trip to Wal-Mart for cold medicine before hitting the road. 4 stops, at lunch stop, boys and Daddy played football and frisbee. This was Littlest's 3rd birthday so after dinner we found a Cold Stone Creamery and celebrated with ice cream (he also opened presents in the hotel room before we hit the road). More movies and The Sea Wolf on tape (GREAT book!)

Tuesday, August 15: Davenport, IL (11:30 a.m.) to Sandusky, OH (11:30 p.m.)- 468 miles: Rough night. Littlest was very restelss and kicked all night. Phone rang twice with a wrong number at about 1:30 a.m. Woke up at 8 a.m. to maintenance stripping paint right outside our room. Fell back to sleep and housekeeping banged on the door at 9 a.m. despite the privacy sign on the door. Had cereal in room. Littlest kicked his over because he wanted pancakes instead. 2 stops; bathroom and dinner. Horrible traffic, lots of road work in Chicago area and into OH. Car started to overheat in IL traffic. Turns out a broken tire that broke my front grill over a year ago also broke the plastic overflow reservoir for the radiator. Had no clue until now. Was hoping to make it to Cleveland but got too late.

Wednesday, August 16: Sandusky, OH (11:30 a.m.) to Fredericksburg, VA (10 p.m.)- 467 miles: Finally feeling better. 1 stop for coffee in Pennsylvania, dinner in Maryland. Driving through the DC area at 9 at night was very stressful (though better than rush hour, I'm sure). Speed limit was 55-65 and everyone drives 80. Normally that would be just my style, it reminded me of drving through the SF bay area, but towing a trailer while unfamiliar with the route and crazy YAHOO! directions had me very stressed. By the time we hit the hotel my legs were shaking.

Thursday, August 17: Fredericksburg, VA to Stafford, VA - 5 miles: 10 minutes: We had breakfast at Waffle House in honor of a friend who regularly laments the fact that there are no Waffle Houses in California. Drove to the apartments and signed the lease. We're home!

The Road to Blogging

2006-07-27T07:42:00.000-07:00

This post has its roots in a comment I received to my computer widows post.

Blogging amuses me. It is my new toy. I enjoy reading other people's blogs. If I could ever figure out how to get a blog role working I could share who I'm reading. I'll give it to you in the long drawn out form:

The first blog I ever read was a friend's. I have always loved how she puts her thoughts out into the blogosphere and she is so darn funny. Then I started reading Mike's blog over at The Gates. This is a more thoughtful blog. One where I look at a topic, mull it around, possibly comment, take it with me when I leave and contemplate. Over at The Gates I looked at the blog roll and thought I'd check out what other people are doing. I found Oh, for the Love of God. It is a combination of sleepymom and The Gates. She led me to MIM (straight up mom who tells it like it is via cute kid stories) who led me to Mary P. (great kid stories and awesome parenting guidance) who led me to The Tutu Boutique (A place where a Dad a talks about being a Dad). These are my usual lurking places. All of which take about 10 minutes to check and laugh or contemplate. I do this before the kiddos wake up or while they are eating breakfast, or during nap time, if I have time that day.

I started my own blog to be a place for me to spew my thoughts. Kick them around, look at them up on the not so big screen. And to put fun things to remember like the purple crayon. Now I am enjoying blogging for a whole new dimension. Commenters. Anonymous has been very challenging and has shown me a lot in myself in a very short time. This is why I am blogging. Anon is forcing me to look at what I've said through the eyes of an observer. I then have to question, Is this what I am trying to say? And I get to have a good, challenging banter in the process.

I was so emotional in my teen years that I had a very hard time putting my thoughts into words. I gave up. The less said the easier it was to move on without people challenging me and making me more emotional. This didn't fly very well early in marriage and I had to work hard to use the words I had neglected for years. I have a patient hubby who would not let me get away with saying "Whatever" while walking away. But then my next challenge in communication came. Saying what I mean. In those teenage years I had become very careless with what I said. I didn't THINK about what I truly wanted or needed to say. Particularly when emotional. I am still not very good at this and it makes me very hesitant to discuss things in groups. I am learning and this is a very fun, yet safe forum to practice such skills. Call it Blog Therapy. Cheap therapy. Good times.

Andrea Yates and the idiots on Yahoo!

2006-07-24T14:39:00.000-07:00

I just read a Yahoo! news article telling of the start of jury deliberations on the Andrea Yates trial. Out of curiosity and interest to join in a discussion I clicked on the discussion link at the end of the article. I was so offended by the crass, inane discussion (if you could call it a discussion) that I left the board feeling like I needed a shower. Perhaps it is because I have followed this case fairly closely. Perhaps because I have my own experience with Post Partum Depression. Perhaps because my "christian" eyes were just offended by the filth coming through their words. Mostly I was disappointed that the people involved in the "discussion" seemed more interested in spouting their opinions and insulting everyone else than actually having an intelligent discussion of the situation. To me, the Andrea Yates trial is a complex issue. There is so much that could be discussed. Not approved of, not agreed with, but analyzed and seen as a possibility to bring a very common but not understood topic to light.

Un-extreme

2006-07-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

I am a very emotional person. I experience life through an extreme filter of emotions. When I am happy, I am elated. When I am sad, I am distraught. When I am mad, step back, she's gonna blow. When I am nervous, I am anxious. When I am anxious, I am not breathing. If I have nothing of my own to cause me extreme emotion I find other things to fill in. My friends, my family, TV.

Lately, my emotions have become physically unhealthy. The extremity of them has caused on-going panic attacks. My body and mind have been on the defense ready for the next wave to come over me. I have tried to be very conscious of this. I have practiced my awareness of breathing. I have practiced being more mindful of my thoughts and feelings. I am getting better at it.

Today, I have been wondering all morning what is wrong with me. Then I realized, I am not feeling extreme emotion. I am not elated. I am not devastated. I am not angry. I am not overwhelmed. I just am. I am busy. I have things to do. I am getting things done. But, I am not frantic. I am not hyperventilating because the floors need to be done. I am just doing them.

What a strange feeling this is. I think I need to meditate on this. I don't know this me. I don't dislike it. I just don't know what to do with it yet.

Destined to have computer widow wives...

2006-07-20T15:41:00.000-07:00

We have a 17" monitor sitting in our living room. Hubby was supposed to hook it up for me a year ago. Alas, I am still using my 15" monitor and since hubby's monitor is now going out I am guessing he'll get the 17" next. After all, he needs it for gaming.

Anyway, the boys are currently sitting on the floor in front of the monitor (not hooked up to anything) deciding what "game" to play. Biggest suggests Star Wars. Littlest asks if he'll set it to 2 players. Biggest says, "No". And begins to stare at the blank screen while tapping his fingers on the rubbermaid bin it is sitting on (the keyboard). Littlest cries out at the injustice. Biggest relents and scoots over. Now both boys are engaged in a battle against the dark side with a blank monitor and imaginary keyboard. It starts so young. I'll have to apologize to their wives some day. I've tried. But I'm already losing the battle. They are too much like their dad.

Life Experiences Meme

2006-07-20T13:29:00.000-07:00

From Mary P. and Alli:

Bold the ones you've done..
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars
20. Changed a baby's diaper
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne.
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can (it's fun, try it!)
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
42. Had amazing friends
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip (will be taking another one soon!)
48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love (THAN! It's "THAN", you idiot who wrote this, not "THEN". Sheesh.)
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow (Though I've often expressed my own milk, and felt very much like a cow at the time...)
56. Alphabetized your cds
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Posed nude in front of strangers
61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage
85. Been to Las Vegas
86. Recorded music (does self recording in high-school & college count?)
87. Eaten shark
88. Had a one-night stand
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship
94. Spoken more than one language fluently
95. Performed in Rocky Horror.
96. Raised children. (in progress)
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
98. Created and named your own constellation of stars
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Pet a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi
128. Had your picture in the newspaper
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Petted a cockroach
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad - and the Odyssey
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
139. Been elected to public office (if grade 8 student council counts!; me too, Mary!)
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146: Dyed your hair
147: Been a DJ
148: Shaved your head
149: Caused a car accident
150: Saved someone's life

How 'bout you?

Libby

2006-07-14T08:11:00.000-07:00

Hubby's family reunion is this weekend. In previous years different families have taken turns hosting the family reunion all over California and Nevada. The past five years it has been hosted at Bonnie's house.

Bonnie's house is beautiful. They completely rebuilt it from the inside, complete with a pool and outdoor BBQ and volleyball area. It is stunning and they are willing to take on the job. The problem is Libby.

Libby is their German Shepherd. I am terrified of Libby.

When I was 7, I was bitten in 4 places by a dog (part pit, part boxer). The doctor said the dog would have chewed to the bone if it had not been for my puffy winter coat. My mom heard me screaming from inside the house up the hill from where I was. She came running and throwing rocks. By the time she got me home and went out to get my sister, who was headed home from school, my sister and a neighbor's child had been bit, too.

I grew up around dogs. We had a black lab and a husky at the time I was bit. After they were gone we had a chow/ shepherd mix. My dad had a lab and then when I was in high school a wolf/ shepherd mix. I never liked dogs before being bit and never felt safe around them after but I knew how to handle a dog and how to behave around them. I also know when a dog doesn't like someone. And Libby doesn't like me.

The first reunion we went to at Bonnie's house, Biggest was 4 months old. I didn't know they had a dog and when we rang the doorbell we were greeted by a very loud barking dog. While I got myself under control quickly my first instinct was to run. They opened the door and held on to her collar. They told us she had to get to know us first. All I could see was this set of teeth right at the height of my baby's feet dangling from daddy's arms. As she circled us to check us out I was flashing back to being bit on the butt - the bite that dropped me to my knees and almost cost me my face as a child. This was my introduction to Libby.

Apparently she deemed us okay and I made a point of staying away from her at all times. During the family sharing time around the BBQ pit I had to leave the group (and Libby) to go into the house to get Biggest who had just woken up from a nap. I went in, picked him up and headed back out of the house toward the group. Libby jumped up, at the ready, and started growling and barking at me. I backed slowly into the house and closed myself inside. Bonnie and Dave admonished Libby in a very sweet voice that, "It is just Cousin" and waved me outside. They didn't even hold the dog, still at the ready and watching me as I walked all the way past her and back to the group. I thought I was going to be sick and had to fight back the tears. Later I came out of the bathroom and the only soul around was, you guessed it, Libby. I closed myself back into the bathroom until I heard other people come into the house. Overall, we made it to the end of the day and I was relieved knowing the next year the reunion would be held elsewhere. I was wrong.

The following year Dave and Bonnie were gracious enough to host again at their lovely home. I was almost sick at the news. I emailed them and let them know my fears. I explained my past and that my fear of dogs reaches phobic proportions. I asked if they would be willing to put Libby either on a leash or in her yard (a lovely, landscaped side yard easily the size of my master bedroom, specifically made for Libby.) They e-mailed back that Libby was really a very friendly dog and I had nothing to worry about. We went to the reunion. They held the dog long enough for me to pet her and decided that since we were now friends and I had been enlightened to the fact the she was a very friendly dog it was okay to let her go. I stayed near people at all times and even had people escort me to the bathroom. I let my inlaws chase around, now 16 month old, Biggest while I stayed in the group. The one time I went to the bathroom without an escort guess who was there when I came out. I again went back in and waited for someone else to come around. I kept an eye on that dog the entire time and when we left Bonnie made sure to point out how right she was that I just needed to give Libby a chance. I smiled and nodded while holding back the very nasty words filling my mind and got into the car. Within two driveways I burst into tears and I cried hysterically for the next 5 minutes. I had been so stressed all day.

Now I choose not to go to the family reunion. Every year since I have received nothing but grief that I will not go. I get guilt trips from grandma and mom. I've been told that I just need to "give it to the Lord", that I am wrong for holding onto my fears.

I am so glad that none of them deal with the fear I do. I am sending the kids tomorrow with my in-laws so they can enjoy and get to know their extended family. I don't ever want my kids to have the fear I do. But, I do have this fear and while I enjoy the family and previously looked forward to reunion time every year, I will not go back as long as Libby is around.

Hurry up and wait

2006-07-11T14:31:00.000-07:00

Well, we were told on Friday that we had to be in Virginia by the 24th. We scrambled. Scheduled a U-haul, verified the apartment, ordered the trailer hitch, picked up the last of the needed school supplies, etc. I had the winter firewood delivered today even though hubby had to go to work. There isn't time to wait. Leaving on Saturday. Then we got the call. Now we don't need to be there until sometime in August. Either the 7th or 21st. They'll let us know. And Oh, By The Way, our contact is leaving to go out of town until next week.

Ugh. Ultimately this is better. Now we have time to prepare. Hubby can help finish stacking the firewood (I got at least 1/2 a cord hauled up the driveway and stacked), he can work another week, maybe two. We can have a birthday party for Littlest (he has been talking about it for months). We can take our time. But, strange as it may sound, it was almost easier when I had no time. I didn't have time to over think, which I tend to do. I had my list. I had my time frame. I was pressing on. Now I am slowing down and stewing. Well, patience is a virtue...maybe not one of mine but, I'm learning.

Remedial Breathing

2006-07-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

Well, my panic attacks reached epic proportions last week. After two months, I finally got fed up. Yep, that's me, willing to ignore the pink elephant in the room until it sits on me. Actually, I just couldn't take the tingly limbs and exhaustion anymore. After some research into anxiety/ panic attacks (see here) I realized I have been hyperventilating for the last 2 months. I thought you had to be loud and gasping to hyperventilate. You know, head between your knees, breathing into a brown paper bag type of scenario. Apparently, short rapid breaths qualifies. Unfortunately this has become my regular breathing style. Mostly because I am always in a state of panic. So, I entered remedial breathing.

My sweet hubby bought me a book called Breathe! You are alive. At first I thought he was making a joke but as it turns out it is a wonderful book. It has breathing meditations in it, which are helping tremendously, but it is also enlightening me in other ways.

For example, "Our feelings are us. If we do not look after them, who will do it for us. Every day, we have painful feelings, and we need to learn to look after them." and "When we survey our territory, we also find destructive traits, such as anger, despair, suspicion, pride, and other mental formations that cause us suffering. Because we do not like to look at these negative traits, we do not want to come back to ourselves. But with the aid of the practice of mindful breathing, we learn to take full responsibility for restoring our territory and taking good care of it." Wow, you mean I am suppose to deal with negative thoughts and feelings? I didn't think Christians were allowed to have those. What do you mean ignoring them isn't healthy???

And so, I am in remedial breathing. Learning again not only to breathe (not as easy as it sounds) but to look at, understand, accept and move forward with my negative thoughts and feelings. Looking at them allows me to see which ones are random negativity (didn't know I had so much floating around in there) and which are issues needing to be prayed over, acted on, communicated. Breathing is getting better. I am more at peace. Definitely making a better day for the boys.

Last night hubby got some stressful news. I haven't been breathing well again today. And so, I'm off to breathe and contemplate what I am so afraid of. Learning, slowly but surely.

Life progressing

2006-06-23T09:06:00.000-07:00

I filled out a rental app. today for an apartment in Virginia. It looks like hubby will be going sometime in July and the boys and I will join him in August or September. It all depends on the apartment. Well, I should say it all depends on God.

I had 4 apartment options yesterday morning. Well, 3 really because, frankly, the furnished apartment is just too expensive. So, while surfing the net I found www.apartmentratings.com. It turns out the cheapest one, that I was already suspicious of, has a cockroach problem and lots of drug deals. Now we're down to 2. The ratings on the next one were so-so. Apparently they are cracking down on the drug dealers and there have been alot of arrests lately. Only periodically does it reek of poison (at least they have no roaches) and puke in the halls. Hmm, does that make me feel better? 1 left. It got pretty standard ratings. Normal apartment type problems. We used Google Earth to check out the area and it looks pretty good. Much better than apartment central where the other places were. It is also closest to where hubby will be. So, I filled out the app and now we are on a waiting list.

I haven't lived in an apartment in 10 years. And I have two little boys. It will be unfurnished and since we're only going to be there a few months we will decorate with blow up mattresses and a few toys. But the family will be together and that is what is important. What an adventure. Can't wait. I think.

The Cut Throat World of Yard Sales

2006-06-20T13:40:00.000-07:00

This weekend I held a yard sale for mom. She brought over a bunch of stuff and most of her furniture to sell. On Friday I made 11 signs and posted them in the neighborhood and on the main streets leading into the neighborhood. There are always a bunch of yard sales going in this area every weekend from May -September. This time last year I made $450 at our family sale. We had (literally) over one hundred people come through. This weekends sale started much the same as the last one with the early birds showing up at 7 am as we were setting up. I figured it was a good start and by 8:00 we had already made about $50. Then it all stopped. The only traffic we had was neighbors walking the neighborhood or riding by on bikes. A few cars stopped as people were heading to or from home. We never had more than 2 people in the yard at once. I was stunned. It was warm but surely not warm enough to stop the hard core yard salers. It was Father's Day weekend but surely not everyone left town. We stayed out until 3pm. Between 2 wonderful neighbors mom made another $100 but there was so much left that should've been prime yard sale material. After packing it all in I drove around to take down the signs. And then I knew what happened. All of my signs leading into the neighboerhood were up. 6 signs within the neighborhood had been removed and in their place were signs directing people around my block to a sale 2 streets over. I drove to all six spots and sure enough every single one had been replaced. I was FURIOUS. I drove to the other sale. In front of the house was a little older couple and a large thuggish thirty something male. I pulled up and put down my window and asked if they were the only sale on that block. The thug said yes. I told him that we too had a sale that day and that all my signs were down and his were in their place. He replied (with a smirk) that he posted his signs at 8:00 and that there were no other signs when he went out. Well that would explain why our traffic stopped at 8. I could tell the little couple had no idea what had happend so I chose to be a good neighbor and leave before all the very choice, decidely non-christian words came flowing out of my mouth that I had been restraining.

Who does that???? Are yard sales that cut throat? Bt the time I got home I was shaking with anger. My mom needed that money. She did well considering we had NO signs in the neighborhood but it could've been better. Well, sister is having a sale this weekend and hopefully mom will sell the rest of her stuff. And now they know to check their signs.

Sick again...

2006-06-11T19:20:00.000-07:00

Boys were sick last weekend. We suspected a 7 day incubation from a BBQ we were at the weekend before. Sure enough, seven days later I got it. The sore throat started right after Little Bity went home. I watched him (and I'm sure infected him) 1 day last week and will watch him 3 days this week. Now he'll probably be sick too. Anyway, by bedtime the fever hit and lasted all day Friday. I don't understand how kids can run around with a 102 fever, happy as a clam and yet I was completely down. Achy, miserable. Well, by Saturday the fever was gone but the razors in my throat cut away all day every time I swallowed. Today the throat is down to swollen glands and tolerable pain. I got my room cleaned, all the toys previously confiscated from the boys sorted through, my closet cleaned out, 2 loads of dishes done, the bedding changed in the boys room, the refridgerator cleaned out and I got to the store for dinner. Good thing the fever is gone. Hubby was diagnosed on Friday with an inner ear imbalance and is in a perpetual state of motion sickness. If mommy's down it just isn't gonna get done!

Anxiety

2006-06-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

I had the mother of all anxiety attacks yesterday.

He passed his eye exam.

My Man is working towards a career change. This pretty much clinches the deal. We are expecting to receive word within the next week or two or three or four (no idea when) of a start date. On the other side of the country.

He'll be there for 20 weeks. The boys and I will join him for three months. I've been researching apartments. Ohhhh, it's gonna be expensive. We took out a line of credit on the house to get us through. I hate debt. Not to mention it is one more monthly payment but $100 a month on credit is better than the $2500 a month to live there. In addition we will be keeping the house here in Cali. By week 6 he'll know where his first assignment will be. Then we'll either come home or move and rent out the house.

There is no "real" reason for the anxiety. It will be an adventure. It's a 3 month vacation in an unfurnished apartment on air mattresses, and did I mention that My Man will only be able to join us on the weekends. We'll swim at the complex pool, go to the library, go to the playground, do school stuff. I've never been back east and there is so much to do and see. But...

I have a tendency to take the weight of the world on my shoulders. My life philosophy has been, "If I don't do it, it won't get done." And heaven forbid I expect or ask anyone to share the load. I'm learning. I actually had a big break though with this a few months ago due to my fabulous pastor and his training in Theophostic prayer (you can see his blog and more on TPM here). I haven't had an anxiety attack in months. But then My Man passed the eye exam.

Now, as I said, I am learning. I have learned the lies behind my anxiety, as I mentioned, one of which is I can't ask anyone to share the load. Not good in a marriage. So, I told My Man I was having an anxiety attack. This led to near hyperventilation. The tears started, I could hardly speak through the panting. It wasn't a pretty sight. But I was able to admit that I was overwhelmed and felt it was all on me. He seemed to think this would be a grand adventure but as he'll spend five days a week occupied in classes with adults and I will spend five days a week with two young children in a strange place without all the comforts of home including church and play group (can you sense my typing speed increasing as I ramble on) he finally saw my point. We sat down and went through all my research. We talked it through, including the debt part ( I needed to know he understood what we were taking on, even though he already knew). By the end of our talk I was feeling much better. Then I pulled out all my school stuff and started planning next year. It's only kindergarten but I felt much better getting my thoughts together on what we're doing. My limbs are still a bit numb and I definitely haven't let it all go but I'm getting there.

And did I mention my jobless mom will be moving in with us by this weekend.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength... I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength... I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

Do not Judge

2006-06-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. " Matthew 7:1-2

I was reminded of this today while mopping the kitchen floor.

I have a friend whose daughter always colored on everything. Doors, walls, furniture, herself. I would think to myself, "Why doesn't she just keep the pens (pencils, crayons, etc.) put away. " Then my Littlest was born.

He too is a budding artist. He loves every medium and everything is a canvas. I can scour the house and think I found every instrument and he will find the one that I missed. He has scrubbed walls, doors, and floors (I love the Mr. Clean magic eraser). He has taken many a long soak in the tub in an attempt to get the markings off his body. I will soon be covering a love seat that was lovingly drawn on with a pen found between the cushions. Every time I think he's finally learned I find another marking (today, the linoleum).

Last night he was watching Harold and the Purple Crayon. A wonderful story of imagination. Littlest turns to me and says, "His mommy lets him draw on the walls." I answered sweetly, "No, he only draws with his imagination crayon." Littlest responded, "Yes, the purple crayon is the imagination crayon." As panic filled my heart I purposed to find every purple crayon in the house and destroy it!

My boys have been banished

2006-06-01T13:58:00.000-07:00

My boys have been incredibly naughty lately. It didn't help that I had a horrible headache yesterday. They ran wild most of the day because it was all I could do to not be sick. In general, our schedule has been off for over a week. So, my boys were WILD and LOUD.

At 4 a.m. Littlest (almost three) came in wanting to get up. I escorted him back to his bed. As I was leaving the room his flashlight came on. He was going to read a book. I foolishly told him to go to sleep. "But I waaannttt youuuuu Mooommmmyyyy." So, hoping to get him back to sleep I climbed into his twin bed and laid down with him. "IIIII waaaannnt to sleep ooonnnn yooouuu." So, the ever accommodating mother that I am, and not wanting to wake up Biggest in the top bunk, put a pillow across my midsection and we fell asleep. Fast forward to 6:45 a.m.. Biggest (5) is now awake and knows he is not allowed up until 7. He, unaware that Mommy is below, starts kicking the bed in the hopes of waking up his brother. This is his new trick for trying to get up early. He wakes every morning with the hope it will work, but doesn't want to risk getting in trouble for asking. Instead he sends Littlest to ask.

me: "It's not time to get up. Don't wake up your brother."

Silence.

Five minutes later. Kick, kick, kick.

me: "It's not time yet. Knock it off."

Silence.

Five minutes later. Kick, kick, kick.

me: "If you wake up your brother I will spank you."

Five minutes later little noises start coming from above. Littlest wakes up. It's 7. I give up. Everybody up.

I get them breakfast and head back to my bathroom to brush teeth. My hubby is still in bed. He has an eye appointment this morning.

husband: "I don't know why I'm so tired this morning, come back to my bed."

me: glare. i can already hear teh boys arguing over who is bumoing the table.

Fast forward. The children have finished breakfast. Husband is at his computer, I am at mine looking through some loan paperwork before making my breakfast. Coffee is brewing.

SLAM, SLAM, SLAM. Squeals of delight.

me: "Boys! Settle down." (They have already been remind a bazillion times this morning to lower their voices.)

SLAM, SLAM, SLAM. Sounds of the plastic knight sword hitting the hard wood floor and toys flying echo down the hall.

hubby: "What are you doing? It sounds like you are breaking toys!"

Biggest: "I'm just petting my dog (favorite stuffed animal)."

SLAM, SLAM, SLAM.

I get up, assuming I am about to see poor puppy getting knocked around. As I walk out of the office I see both boys, Biggest with the sword and Littlest with a plastic red bat raised above their heads and a line of plastic toys beneath.

me: "What are you-"

SLAM, SLAM, SLAM. Toys go flying.

Toys are now in the garbage can. Boys sent to their room. Biggest punished for lying. After time out was over they had to remove every toy from every room of the house and put it in theirs (remember the wild yesterday when Mommy was out of commission). I then decided our only hope was to get back on schedule.

We settled downstairs (step down living room). Biggest in one corner cuddled with doggy and his fleece spiderman blanket, littlest with his kitty (also stuffed) and his ABC fleece blanket. I reread every memory verse we've had since the fall on good behavior and the way we treat others. Biggest dutifully repeats them as littlest gets up and down and up and down trying to get comfortable. When I am satisfied they get the point I move on to our book of fables and folk stories. I get one page into it when littlest, up for the tenth time, slips and comes crashing mouth first into the glass coffee table. Lip split, blood coming out, wailing. I get a wash cloth, give snuggles and get him settled next to me, with kitty and continue to read. We read one more story and then the phone rings. It is Mimi calling about the gift I am to bring to Z's party this afternoon.

The boys are relatively quiet. Phew, it worked. But I know better than to tempt fate and stay on the phone for long. Boys started making birthday cards for Z. Phone rings. It is my mom. She is in a chatty mood and as she's had a rough time lately, I want to be a listening ear.

The boys start picking at each other. Activity is increasing in intensity. Wailing begins. Apparently Littlest's baby doll (long story) leaped out of Biggest's hand all on it's own and clocked Littlest in the head. Biggest gets sent to his room for lying again. He smirks and asks when we leave for birthday party. I warn him that he is very close to losing birthday party today. I leave the room. He, using child radio with microphone at full blast, screams at me. I walk back in and remove microphone - that he has been reprimanded for using to yell at mommy several times over the last few days, and tell him that it is now going into the garage sale pile. He yells at me, "I'll buy a new one then." I again remind him not to yell at mommy and No, he will not buy a new one. He very snottily says, "We'll I'm going to buy the clone gun then." (Horrible toy that makes very loud laser shooting sounds and is not allowed in my house)." I deal with this response as well. Knowing that I should pull the party, I give him one more chance. Mimi is my best friend and this is My only chance for a semi-break all week. In the meantime, Littlest has knocked sticky plate left from breakfast onto the floor. I ask him to pick it up. He runs away. I ask him to pick it up again. He ignores me. I take him by the arm and guide him back to the plate. He sets his ball in the plate while he is wiping the floor. Now ball is sticky. Biggest, who is now out of timeout and has apologized for talking back and for hitting his brother, offers to clean the ball. I thank him and help Littlest with the clean up. Once released, Littlest heads to the bathroom and throws his hands into the water filled sink. He, in record time, douses himself, his brother and the floor (all around the newly repaired, uncaulked toilet that I was going to take care of before leaving for the party). Both boys now squealing and throwing water. Mommy looses it. Boys are sent to their room. No Party Today. Boys are spending all day in their room only to come out for meals. Littlest is currently napping and biggest is sitting on a blanket in the family room with 2 toys and orders to not leave the blanket. Mommy has gotten an amazing amount done since the banishment of the boys.

Here I am

2006-05-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been using a diaryland dairy for a few months but I like this template better. So, I'm here now. In all my glory - not. This mother of two is still sitting around in her jammies drinking coffee and playing on the computer. Try as I might I can't think of anything else to type. So, off to my dishes, laundry, diapers, and the dirty floor. At least the toilet got fixed this weekend and the backyard fence is mostly back up. Happy to be here. If I'm reading you, you might as well be able to read me. Hopefully I don't embarass myself to bad. :-) If you want to read my last few months you can check them out at http://twoboysmom.diaryland.com. I'm sure it'll expire before too long as I will now be spouting here.